CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE

Marriage in a South Asian context is a family affair – it is the coming together of two individuals and their families. Thus the family plays a major role when it comes to choosing a life partner. In the past, the family often made the choice, and the bride and the bridegroom might not even see each other before their marriage. Abraham’s choice of a bride for Isaac (Gen 24) was thus in keeping with the Asian way of choosing one’s life partner. Asian couples accepted this, and whereas in the West most people marry for love, in South Asia the majority of couples choose to love the ones they marry.

Parents in Asia consider the role of choosing a partner for their child as a God-given privilege and responsibility. But many parents have abused and commercialised this privilege, leading urban young people to rebel against the system. They want to choose their own partners, although they will still seek their parents’ consent to their marriage. Both parents and children need guidance from the church as they adapt to this new reality.

The payment of dowry is a glaring example of the commercialisation of marriage. Originally, this practice was intended to ensure that the girl obtained a fair share of the ancestral property, but over time it has become a cover for greed. Girls with an inadequate dowry may be unable to marry, or if they do, they may be murdered by their new family. Unfortunately, even Christian families sometimes demand a dowry, whereas they ought to take a stand against greed (1 Tim 6:8-10). A woman should be valued for who she is, not for the goods she brings with her. A wedding, too, should be a celebration of a union, not an occasion for extravagant spending and displays of wealth that leave families in debt for years.

Then there is the issue of in-laws and parental interference. Parents often find it difficult to release their children after marriage.

Many men are expected to stay with their parents after marriage to take care of them and to ensure inheritance of parental property. In such homes, the parents may act as dictators and cause discord between the man and his wife. Meanwhile the woman loses all her rights as a member of her own family and becomes part of her husband’s family. It is not surprising that the most common conflict in South Asian homes is between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

In Christian homes, such a situation reflects a failure to take seriously what the Bible says about marriage being a covenant in which “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Gen 2:24; see also Matt 19:5; Mark 10:7; Eph 5:31). God intends the bond between a married couple to take priority over their bond to their parents, so that the two become one functional unit. Jesus emphasised that it is God who puts a man and woman together and any attempt to divide the partners in this holy union is an act against God himself (Matt 19:5-6). Parents who constantly interfere with their children and disrupt a couple’s family life are guilty of working against what God has joined together. They should learn to release their children so that the couple have space to grow in order to achieve God’s purpose for their family life. This is not to say that children should not honour their parents after marriage, but there needs to be a balanced shift in allegiance from parents to spouse. The man, who has been appointed as the head of the family, needs to take the lead in setting this balance.

The fact that the man is to become “one flesh” with his wife also indicates that she is neither a piece of property nor a spare part that can be replaced at will. It also implies that a husband who abuses his wife harms himself, and parents who abuse their daughter-in-law harm their son.

In the past, spousal abuse has been tolerated and women have been told to endure it rather than risk divorce. But just as the OT prophets spoke out against abuse of the poor, so the church should speak out against the abuse of wives. Husbands should be made to realise that it is a sin to abuse anyone (Matt 5:22), and especially the one whom they are particularly commanded to love, protect and cherish (Eph 5:25; Col 3:19). The church has a responsibility to hold such abusive husbands to account and counsel them, while helping their wives to find healing for themselves and their families.

The changing economic environment in South Asia is also having an effect on marriages. Many men and women are working directly or indirectly for multinational companies. Women thus have some independent income, which has empowered them and disrupted traditional roles. Men are often no longer the sole breadwinners, and the increased assertiveness of women has sometimes led to even minor disagreements becoming reasons for couples to separate.

Family routines and parent–child relationships may also be disrupted when the parents work in places like call centres, with odd hours. The fact that men and women now work together provides more opportunities for extramarital relationships.

In such circumstances, the church needs to help couples to safeguard their marriage and family from damaging influences. The best defence is a solid foundation in Christ. Psalm 127:1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labour in vain.”

Money, education and the like can never provide security, but a home that has Christ as its foundation will weather the storms of life.

Good communication also acts like a wall protecting a marriage. Thus churches must encourage communication between husbands and wives, and couples must ensure that they share quality time together if they are to understand each other well.

Christ is the foundation of a healthy marriage, communication is the wall surrounding it, and committed love between the spouses is the roof over it. True love drives out fear and covers a multitude of wrongdoings. It can even be said that a marriage is a coming together of two forgivers, who do not hold grudges against each other. If a couple finds loving each other difficult, they need to turn to the cross of Christ. The springs of love that flow from the cross can keep filling and replenishing their hearts. This love will then overflow into their relationships with their children and those around them.