COMMITMENT PHOBIA

HOW CAN I TELL IF I HAVE “COMMITMENT PHOBIA”?

Storyline:

I keep going through the same frustrating cycle in my relationships. When I first meet someone I’m attracted to, I really want to get close, and I appear very loving and open to my partner. But the more the other person wants some kind of commitment, the more I pull away, until one day, I leave. My last lover accused me of being a “commitment phobic.” How can I tell if I’m just going through a normal selection process, or if I have a serious problem?

Sounds suspicious!! If this has happened over and over again, you almost certainly do have “commitment phobia.” That would make you what I call a “Commitment Rebel.” If in your childhood, you loved someone, your father, your mother, your big brother, but that person took something from you—your power, your self-esteem, your innocence, your voice, you may unconsciously have thought of that person as “the enemy,” even though you loved them. So when you grow up and you meet a partner and you love that person, automatically in your mind, you think “people I love are the enemy. They want something from me. I have to hold my ground,” and you will have a hard time committing to that person.

This resistance to commitment might express itself in major ways, such as actually refusing to commit to marriage, or it might express itself in small ways, such as refusing to commit to going to counseling, or not taking out the garbage when you said you would.

Commitment Rebels are motivated by a need to be in control, and a fear of losing control. Committing to someone will feel like you’re giving something up, as if they won and you lost. That’s because in some earlier relationship, it did feel like you lost something by loving that person who hurt you.

Here are some characteristics of Commitment Rebels. If you’re one, you will recognize these. (If you’re in love with one, you’ll race into the other room to show your partner what I wrote!)

1. Commitment Rebels don’t like being told what to do.

They can become easily defensive and argumentative.

2. Commitment Rebels are often irresponsible with time and money.

They may be late a lot, not pay bills on time.

3. Commitment Rebels don’t like making plans.

They resist committing to the future or pinning themselves down.

4. Commitment Rebels don’t like talking about or showing feelings.

It feels like too much of a commitment, and gives the other person too much power.

5. Commitment Rebels are often procrastinators.

They don’t like committing to doing anything in particular.

6. Commitment Rebels can be unmotivated with no strong direction in life.

They are afraid to commit even to their dreams.

Naturally, a Commitment Rebel will panic the moment his partner starts using the “C” word, as you have in all of your relationships.

So what’s the solution? First, I suggest you go on a Relationship Fast. That doesn’t mean having lots of fast relationships, but the opposite: no dating or intimate involvement with anyone for a while. Pull all your energies back on yourself so you can break this pattern.

Next, do some serious work on healing your emotional programming like physical exercise, reading good books, refreshing with nature, etc.

Within every Commitment Rebel is a hurt and angry little child who felt very controlled when he was small. You need to help that child take his power back from whomever you feel took it from him. You can do this with a really good and qualified therapist, a program like Making Love Work, or in whatever manner you choose. Once you finish that unfinished emotional business from your childhood, you will be free for the first time in your life to love as deeply as you want to love.

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HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEONE IS REALLY COMMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP?

Storyline:

My partner claims he really loves me and wants to be with me, but when it comes to working on “us,” he continually disappoints me. Whenever I bring up what I’m unhappy with, or ask him for some things I need from him in order to stay together, he apologizes and promises to change. If I press him further, he gets defensive and says “I’m working on it,” The point is, nothing has changed, and I’m afraid it never will, but I know he really does love me, and I don’t want to lose him. How can I tell if he is serious about this relationship?

First of all, you are in complex situation. Be wise to understand your situation and wisely understand how to ask him if he is serious about the relationship, and if he wants the same kind of relationship you do. If he insists that he does, and that he truly wants to change, you need to address two major issues:

1) What commitments you need from him; and

2) HOW he plans to work on himself so that he can fulfill those commitments.

I have a feeling that, in your case, your mate really means it when he says he wants to be with you and work on things. The problem may be that he doesn’t fully understand WHAT he needs to work on and doesn’t have a clue as to HOW to work on these issues. At the risk of sounding sexist, I must say that I have seen this situation countless times with men whose wives or girlfriends complain of the same frustrations you do. Often, these men are too proud or embarrassed to say to their women “Look, I know I need to change, but to be honest with you, I have no idea exactly what you want me to change, and even less of an idea of how I would actually make these mysterious changes.” Instead, they say “I’m working on it,” or “Stop pressuring me,” hoping to buy enough time to figure out what the hell they’re supposed to do.

If you’re a woman reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Come on, , what’s so complicated about wanting your husband to be more intimate, or share more of his feelings? How hard can it be for him to understand these requests?” My answer is: much harder than you could ever imagine!! Most women are much more familiar with their inner world of feelings than are most men; we naturally understand what it means to “open up,” or “let someone in,” or “surrender to the moment.” However, to many men, these concepts are strange, and even frightening.

It is likely more verbally clear and specific women are in defining exactly what behaviors they would like their partners to develop, and the more concrete tools they offer their partners to assist them in making those changes, the more willing men are to actually “work on it.”

Here is an exercise that has helped hundreds of thousands of couples learn how to work on improving their relationship. This exercise gives a wonderful feedback from men who shared how this exercise allowed them to  truly understand what their wives needed and gave them ideas for how they could specifically fulfill those needs.

On one side of a piece of paper, list all the things you need from your partner, the ways you’d like him to change. Then, in the second column next to each item, write down specifically how he could demonstrate his commitment to fulfilling that need.

EXAMPLE:

One Side	Other Side
What I Need	How You Could Demonstrate It
I need him to be more emotionally open with me about his feelings.	Tell me what’s bothering you before I have to ask a bunch of times, even if it’s a little thing you think isn’t important. Tell me you love me sometimes first, before I say it.
	Reach out to take my hand when we are walking somewhere instead of waiting for me to reach out to you first.

You’d be amazed at how powerful this process is. Often the man will respond by saying “Oh, is that what you mean by being open? I can do that.” And you think to yourself, “What took you so long?” Perhaps he was missing the HOW of “working on it.” Naturally, both partners should do the above exercise. Suggest this to your mate. Hopefully, it will provide him with the tools he was looking for to give you what you wanted and, as an added bonus, to even express some of his own needs. Once this works, you’ll find your partner is much less defensive about the idea of changing, and you can go on to exploring other methods of transformation together— tapes, seminars, counseling, etc.

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IS IT RIGHT TO STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT RIGHT FOR YOU?

IS IT RIGHT TO STAY WITH SOMEONE EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW INSIDE SHE’S NOT THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU?

Storyline:

I’m in a terrible situation. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for two years, and I know she is madly in love with me and wants to get married, but I don’t feel the same way. I love her, and we have a great time together, but I’ve always known she’s not “the one” I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want to hurt her by telling her this, and it seems so foolish to break up when we are doing so well. What’s the right thing for me to do?

Let me get this straight—you are in relationship with a woman who’s crazy about you, but you know she’s not enough for you, so you continue to lead her on and give her hope by staying when you secretly long to leave… and you call this “doing so well”? Maybe you’re doing well, but she’s doing terribly, or at least she would be if she knew that the man she adores doesn’t feel the same way about her. I know you claim you don’t want to hurt her, but the truth is that every minute you steal from her life is hurting her; every moment when she lies next to you, believing she is safe and secure in your love is hurting her; every time you selfishly decide to stay one more week or year since you’re enjoying yourself, knowing that you’re staying on false pretenses, you’re hurting her.

This woman wants the same thing most women want: to find a partner she can trust to love, honor, and cherish her, and to live with that person happily and faithfully for the rest of her life.

Believe me, your girlfriend never secretly dreamt that, one day, she’d meet a man who would mislead her into believing she’d finally found her soul mate, only to discover after several years that he’d known all along she wasn’t “the one,” but never got around to telling her. That is every woman’s nightmare, not every woman’s fantasy.

You say “it seems foolish to break up.” Let me ask you: foolish to whom? To you? Why should you give up a comfortable situation before you have to? Is that what you consider foolish? Do you think if your girlfriend knew how you felt, she would agree that it would be “foolish” to end the relationship? I’ll bet that she would have other, less polite words to say to you, and that the only time she’d use the word “foolish” would be in describing how she felt living with a man for two years, yet never suspecting that he had no intentions of ever marrying her.

If this answer sounds harsh, it is intended to be. Would you want someone to do this same thing to you? I think not. So do what is right and honorable. Tell her the truth, now, and leave. Sorry… there’s no way to leave and have her not feel angry and betrayed. That’s your karma. And don’t delude yourself into believing that by staying, you will avoid hurting her. First of all, not hurting her has never been your motivation for being there; fulfilling your own, selfish needs has been your true agenda. And second, know that she will one day tell people that “the nicest thing he ever did for me was to walk out the door.” Please, take some time to examine your own heart and soul before you get involved with another woman.

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SOMEONE WHO WHO IS STILL EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HIS FORMER LOVER

SHOULD YOU STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO WHO IS STILL EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HIS FORMER LOVER?

Storyline:

My boyfriend is driving me crazy! We’ve been going out for five months, but he still isn’t over (still attached emotionally) with his ex-girlfriend. I know they talk on the phone a lot, and last week he took her out for her birthday “just as a friend” because, in his words, “I didn’t want her to spend the day alone—she’s feeling really vulnerable.” When I confront him on this, he accuses me of being possessive and insensitive. Should I just ignore this and hope it goes away?

Do you really think if you ignore this problem, it’s going to go away? It won’t, and you know it. You are in a relationship with someone who is still emotionally attached to his former lover. This is one of the major Fatal Flaws I warn people to look out for when choosing a new mate. It’s obvious that your boyfriend hasn’t let go of his past relationship. He has all of the classic signs: staying in touch because he is “worried about her”; not setting up proper boundaries with her regarding his new relationship with you; making his concern for her feelings more important than his concern for yours.

You’re in what’s called a “triangle relationship”, because there are actually three people involved together. Even when he isn’t talking with her, you can feel her presence, can’t you? His feelings for her are undoubtedly preventing him from totally surrendering to his relationship with you. It may not be that he actually wants to go back to her—he just might be a rescuer who is having a difficult time letting go of someone without feeling tremendously guilty.

Maybe his dad left his mom, and therefore, he has an awful time leaving anyone or anything without feeling like the “bad guy.”

Sure, your boyfriend is defensive about his behavior when you confront him, because he doesn’t want to confront it himself. Don’t wait for him to wake up and get it. Get out…at least for a while. Let him know that you have come to the conclusion that he hasn’t fully detached emotionally from his former girlfriend, and, therefore, isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone else. Tell him how much you care about him, but that you also care about yourself too much to be involved with him right now. Encourage him to take time to decide if he wants to go back with her or not, and invite him to contact you if he is truly ready to love you. Who knows? Your frank discussion may cause him to take a good look at the situation, and he might make a big breakthrough and call you in a few days ready to go forward 100 percent. Or you may never hear from him again. Whatever happens, you will have honored your own needs and feelings, and will win in the end.

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HOW SOON IN A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD YOU EXPECT A COMMITMENT FROM YOUR PARTNER?

Storyline:

My boyfriend and I have been going together for fourteen months. We’re both in our early twenties. I feel like I am ready for more of a commitment, but every time I bring it up, he changes the subject or tells me I’m pressuring him. Is this a sign that he’s not the one for me? Should I give him an ultimatum to propose or threaten to leave?

NO, NO, NO! Do not give him an ultimatum. Do not threaten to leave. Your boyfriend’s refusal to propose isn’t a sign that he isn’t the right one for you—it’s a sign that he is thinking more clearly than you are! You’ve only known each other for a little more than a year. According to my experience, you are just beginning to get into some of the more serious issues that exist in your relationship. Most of the deeper emotional patterns we have don’t even begin to surface until about nine months to a year into a relationship. And this is complicated by the fact that you are both still in your early twenties. Trust me—you are going to go through tremendous personal changes in the next five years. If you and he can go through all of this together, and come out stronger and more in love, then you’ll know you can create a marriage with a strong foundation. For these reasons, I believe it is way too soon for you to be thinking about marriage.

I’ll bet anything your boyfriend is totally conflicted right now. He loves you, probably hopes to spend his life with you, and wants to make you happy, but he intuitively knows that he’s not ready to propose. He may not feel confident that he is ready to financially contribute enough to take care of you and a family in the way he would like. He may feel uncertain about his career and need to focus on developing that area of his life before he settles down. On top of that, he’s probably scared to death that you will leave him if he doesn’t propose. Can you understand what he must be going through?

Now, about that ultimatum you were thinking of giving him. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t feel too thrilled accepting an engagement ring from a man whom I just pressured to propose to me. What’s the point? Forcing him to buy you a ring is manipulative and childish. You should be more concerned with understanding his feelings, discussing his concerns, and working together to build a stronger, more intimate relationship. Ask him what he thinks of all I’ve said. Hopefully, he’ll look at you with relief and say, “Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been feeling.” Then, you can go forward as a couple committed to love, to truth, and to preparing yourselves for a beautiful life together.

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HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT FOR A PARTNER TO MAKE A COMMITMENT?

Storyline:

I am so frustrated that I don’t know what to do. I’ve been having relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, and he still claims he isn’t ready to get married to me. I know he loves me, but when I confront him about our future, he tells me he’s not ready and needs more time. How long should I be expected to wait for him to make up his mind? I’m thirty-seven years old, and not getting any younger!!

I understand your frustration. You are at that point in a long-term relationship where you and your partner either need to deepen your commitment to one another, or go your separate ways.

A relationship needs to grow in order to last, and commitment gives a relationship purpose and direction and creates a level of safety that, ultimately, brings both partners true emotional freedom. You know that, and I know that. So what’s going on with your boyfriend? Rather than blaming your mate for “stalling,” let’s try to understand where he is coming from. Your boyfriend is telling the truth when he says he’s not ready to make a commitment. The question you need to ask yourself and him is “Why aren’t you ready?” If he doesn’t know the reasons he’s resisting becoming more involved, he can’t do anything to improve or heal the situation. His saying “I don’t know what it is” or “I’m working on it” shouldn’t be acceptable answers for either of you.

See, for some people “I’m working on it” means “I’ll tell you I’m working on it to get you off my back and buy some time because I have no clue what I’m feeling.” For others it might mean he is seriously examining his emotional programming in order to understand his fear of commitment. You need to ask your partner what he means by “I’m working on it.” Ask him HOW he is working on it… Is he going to therapy, reading books, attending a men’s group, talking to other married men? WHAT SPECIFIC CONCRETE ACTION IS HE TAKING TO WORK ON IT? What is his goal regarding a time by which he’d like to be clear? A few months?

Another year? What is acceptable to you? There’s nothing wrong with a person confronting his fears of intimacy. In fact, it’s healthier and more honest than someone who blindly throws himself into a relationship, and then later puts up the emotional walls. I actually feel that a man who says “I’m not ready” might be behaving with incredible honor and respect for you—he doesn’t want to propose until he feels right in every part of his being. The problem develops when he’s not sure how to get more clear. Maybe he’s waiting to wake up one day and find that all his fear has disappeared, but it doesn’t usually happen that way. Fears of commitment come from somewhere, and unless they are examined directly, they may linger forever. They usually involve fear of choosing the wrong partner, fear of turning out like our parents, fear of being hurt, and fear of the unknown. All of these fears can be resolved by doing some emotional work.

Here’s a possibility you need to consider: Sometimes men are afraid to bring up their fears of commitment because the woman in their life seems so sure, and he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. It might help to share your own fears about getting married with your boyfriend, so he knows he isn’t alone. Perhaps he’s been afraid to hurt your feelings by voicing fears like “What if we lose our attraction to one another?” However, if you share your own concern about that issue, and let him know, for example, that you hope to work together with him to make sure to always keep the passion alive, he may find his fear rapidly dissolving.

The following is a powerful exercise I’ve given to many individuals who have commitment fears. You can suggest that your boyfriend try this—it might help him get in touch with his own feelings about marriage. The exercise has two parts, both fill-in-the-blank. The person taking it should repeat the exercise at least ten times. He can do this out loud with you, or privately with paper and pen:

1. I’ll be ready to get married when ___.

Example:

• I own my own home

• I have ₹ 5, 00,000 in the bank

• I’m 28/30 years old

• I never feel turned off by my partner

• I see an example of a happy marriage

2. I’m afraid if we got married ___.

Example:

• You’d leave me like my mother left my father

• I’d feel trapped forever

• I’d never have fun anymore

• I would lose my freedom to have time by myself

• We’d end up miserable like my parents

Sometimes this exercise reveals issues a person didn’t realize were contributing to his fear of marriage. Identifying the fears is always the first step toward healing them. Share my advice with your boyfriend. Hopefully he will feel understood and be willing to work through his fear with you, so you can both go forward to experiencing more love in your lives.

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CAN WE EVER BE 100 PERCENT SURE FOR OUR RIGHT PARTNER?

CAN WE EVER BE 100 PERCENT SURE THAT SOMEONE YOU’RE WITH IS THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU? WHAT QUALITIES SHOULD YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER?

I don’t know about 100 percent—nothing in life is certain, because everything is constantly changing. However, I do believe strongly that if you learn as much as you can about love, intimacy, and compatibility, you can be very sure that you have chosen the right partner. And here’s a very important lesson about compatibility, one that has changed my life: The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with good character, not simply a good personality.

Most of us become initially attracted to a mate because of something about his or her personality, or as your question mentioned, “qualities”—his ability to make you laugh; her softness; his interest in cycling, etc. While these traits might be enjoyable, they aren’t what’s going to determine whether or not this relationship truly makes you happy. For that, you have to look for character. Character determines how a person will treat himself, you, and, one day, your children. It is the foundation of any healthy partnership. If you think of a relationship as a cake, personality is like the icing, but character is the substance.

It’s not enough to ask yourself the question: Does my partner love me? You need to ask a much more important question: How capable is my partner of loving, period? I’ve found there are six areas you can look at in a potential partner that define his or her character, and that will help you answer this question and determine how ready this person is to be in a committed relationship.

1. Commitment to Personal Growth

I’ve listed this characteristic first because I feel it is one of the most important traits to seek in a partner. If you find someone who is committed to their personal growth, you will have already avoided many of the problems couples face: one person wants to work on the relationship and the other doesn’t; one partner tries to talk about the issues and the other refuses; one person sees areas that need improvement and the other is in denial.

Commitment to growth means:

• Your partner is committed to learning everything he can about how to be a better person and a better spouse.

• He is willing to receive help and guidance in the form of books, tapes, lectures, seminars, and counseling if necessary.

• He is conscious of his blind spots and childhood programming, and is aware of what emotional baggage he has brought into your relationship.

• He has personal goals for his own self-improvement and you can see specific, positive changes in him over time.

2. Emotional Openness

An intimate relationship is not based on sharing a home, a bed, or bathroom. It’s based on sharing feelings. That’s why the second quality you should look for in a partner is emotional openness. This means your mate:

a. Has feelings

b. Knows what he is feeling

c. Chooses to share those feelings with you

d. Knows how to express those feelings to you I can’t tell you how many excuses I’ve heard from men and women in unhappy relationships about why their partner cannot express feelings:

IF YOUR PARTNER CANNOT IDENTIFY AND SHARE HIS FEELINGS WITH YOU, HE IS NOT READY TO BE IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.

3. Integrity

Honesty, integrity, and trustworthiness are essential ingredients for a healthy relationship. Knowing that you can count on your partner to be truthful with you at all times will give you a tremendous sense of security Finding a partner who has integrity means seeking:

• Someone who is honest with himself. There are many people who don’t lie to you, but lie to themselves. Honesty begins at home, so to speak. That means you should avoid mates who are masters of self-deception.

• Someone who is honest with others. Does your partner lie to his clients or associates, all in the name of “business”? Does your girlfriend hide the truth about her life from her family? Does your mate often justify doing things at work you feel lack integrity? If you doubt your partner’s integrity, you will lose respect for him, and it will be difficult for you to trust his behavior toward you.

• Someone who is honest with you. That means he will not hide parts of his life or personality from you; he won’t tell you only what you want to hear in order to protect himself; he will share the truth with you without your having to trick him into admitting it, or pry it out of him.

• Someone who doesn’t play games. Games belong on the playground, not in relationships.

4. Maturity and Responsibility

Here are some signs that your partner is mature enough to have a relationship:

• He (or she) can take care of himself. If your partner has grown up sufficiently, he’ll be able to earn enough money to support himself; know how to keep his living space relatively clean; know how to feed himself.

• He is responsible. Responsibility means doing what you say you are going to do. It means remembering to pay the bills, keeping your promises, showing up on time, and not letting people down. It isn’t a concept—it’s an action.

• He is respectful.

5. High Self-Esteem

You’ve probably heard it said before, but it is true: YOUR PARTNER CAN ONLY LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS HE LOVES HIMSELF. One of the biggest mistakes we make in choosing partners is focusing on how much our mate loves us and how he treats us, and not how he treats himself. The healthier your partner’s sense of self-esteem, the stronger your relationship will be. That’s why it’s important to look for these signs of selfesteem:

• Your partner takes pride in himself.

If your mate walks around apologizing for his life, and seems embarrassed by who he is, or is constantly putting himself down, then he has no pride in himself. You need a partner who has some extent of satisfaction with who he is now and who he is becoming.

• Your partner doesn’t abuse himself, but takes good care of himself.

You can tell how someone feels about himself by observing how he treats himself: the food he eats, the environment he lives in, the way he takes care of his body, his car, his possessions. All of these are reflections of selfesteem.

Someone who mistreats himself and doesn’t mind it won’t mind mistreating you either.

• He doesn’t allow others to abuse him.

Victims are poor choices for partners, even though loving them might make you feel very needed. All the terrible things they complain that others have done to them are merely reflections of their own low self-esteem.

• He expresses his self-confidence by taking action in his life. True self-esteem manifests itself in action. Look for partners who do something about their goals instead of just talking about them.

6. Positive Attitude Toward Life

There is an old saying that goes: “There are two kinds of people in the world—positive people and negative people.” If you had to spend the rest of your life with one of these kinds, which would you choose? Negative people always focus on problems, find something to complain about, allow worry to rule them, and are cynical. Someone with a positive attitude turns obstacles into opportunities, believes that things can always get better, and focuses on finding solutions.

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NOT ENDING UP WITH SOMEONE WHO’S BAD FOR YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP

WHAT SIGNS SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN THE BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE SURE I DON’T END UP WITH SOMEONE WHO’S BAD FOR ME?

Storyline:

I recently ended a really unhealthy relationship that took me years to get out of. I want to start dating again, but I’m so scared that I’ll pick another person who will hurt me, and will end up going through the same cycle all over again. How can I tell when I first meet someone if he will be bad for me or not?

I’m so glad you asked! In working with thousands of men and women over the years, I’ve learned that so much of the hurt, heartache, and disappointment we experience in love could be avoided if we just paid more attention at the beginning of the relationship. You need to ask lots of questions, look for the warning signs of potential problems, and stay focused on what you’re looking for in a partner and what you are trying to avoid.

As you already know, there are people out there who have what I call “Fatal Flaws,” characteristics that can cause severe problems in a relationship. None of us is perfect, and it’s obvious that we each have flaws or imperfections that affect our love life. However, some of these characteristics are much more dangerous and destructive than others, and those are the “Fatal Flaws” you need to watch for in a potential partner. Here they are:

1. Addictions

Relationships with people who have an addiction (drugs, alcohol, pills, gambling, etc.) are guaranteed to hurt you. Look for signs that there may be problems in this area, and don’t minimize what you suspect may be an issue in order to have a relationship with this person, no matter how lonely you are.

2. Anger

Living with an angry person is like living with a time bomb: you never know when it’s going to go off. Anger is a terrorist— it holds the people it comes in contact with hostage. Spotting someone who has potential problems with anger is one of the easier Fatal Flaws to detect. No one turns into a rage-a-holic (unable to control their temper) overnight. You’ll see warning signs: he gets angry when little things don’t go his way; he has little patience, and becomes easily annoyed; he has extreme mood swings; he is defensive; he raises his voice often. If you spot these signs, get out before you become the object of his pent-up rage.

3. Victim Consciousness

It’s often difficult to spot a victim because none of us really minds hearing our partner complain to us about his or her past relationships. But if your partner has a habit of blaming others for his circumstances and not taking responsibility for his part in problems, watch out: you will be the next person whose fault everything is. Victims see life as an adversarial situation—“it’s the world against me.” They ask “Why is this happening to ME?” instead of “Why is this happening and how can I change it?” If you find yourself feeling sorry for a potential mate and getting sucked into his complaints about his life, relationships, health, etc., it’s time to leave.

4. Control Freak

A control freak is the opposite of a victim—someone who must make all decisions himself, avoids asking for help, and needs to be in control of his life, and eventually, yours. Don’t mistake this Fatal Flaw for the qualities of self-esteem and confidence. Ask yourself if your potential mate’s tendency to “take charge” of everything, which may make you temporarily feel taken care of, is really how you want to live. Control freaks will try to talk you out of leaving them, so don’t do too much explaining!

5. Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction doesn’t mean problems only with sexual performance, such as impotence, or inability to have an orgasm. It can also mean sexual obsession, or lack of sexual integrity. This Fatal Flaw is much more difficult to spot at first since (hopefully) you’re not having sex on the first few dates, but it can be deadly once you encounter it. You’re going to need to have some frank discussion in order to discover whether or not your partner is addicted to fantasy; pornography; compulsive sexual behaviors; throws his sexual energy all over the place; has an aversion to sex due to molestation, rape, or childhood abuse. I know this sounds uncomfortable, but believe me, it’s better than finding out about this Fatal flaw in the middle of a relationship. Some sexual problems aren’t necessarily fatal, but they will be if your partner won’t deal with them.

6. Your Partner Hasn’t Grown Up

Watch out for the charming, childlike person who makes you feel you want to take care of him or her—they may not have grown up enough to have a healthy relationship. Look for signs of financial irresponsibility, someone who is unmotivated, undependable, and avoids taking life seriously. Unless you want to feel like a parent, find someone else.

7. Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable

I could write an entire book on this Fatal Flaw. All you need to know is: STAY AWAY FROM PARTNERS WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN! There are so many people in the world eager to love. Why choose someone who has a hard time opening up and spend your time trying to pry open that person’s heart? Some people just aren’t ready to have a relationship because they are too emotionally blocked. They will have a difficult time talking about or showing emotions, and will resist opening up and trusting. Find out through frank conversation how comfortable your potential mate is with loving, observe his behavior, and as the relationship progresses, make sure he’s capable of giving you what you want before you decide to commit

8. Your Partner Hasn’t Recovered from Past Relationship(s)

We all carry emotional baggage from our past relationships into each new one. But sometimes that baggage can be so overwhelming that it’s fatal to your love affair. Watch out for someone who still carries tremendous anger and resentment toward his previous mate, someone who feels guilty and responsible for his previous mate, or someone who is still traumatized from being hurt or abused in his past relationships. It may be this person hasn’t healed enough to be ready to love again. Rescuers beware! You will find these kinds of mates very attractive.

9. Emotional Damage from Childhood

All of us have some emotional issues originating in our childhood. But some people have emotional damage that is so severe they will have a difficult time having a healthy relationship. This is especially the case when a potential mate isn’t aware of the emotional damage and isn’t working on himself to repair it. If you meet someone with one of the following issues, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be a Fatal Flaw. It does mean you should be cautious, talk openly about your concerns, and assess how well your partner is dealing with the past or present problems. Here are some of the more dramatic childhood issues that may be warning signs, and should be dealt with:

• Sexual abuse and sexual trauma

• Physical or verbal abuse

• Parental abandonment: divorce, death, adoption, suicide, emotional distance

• Eating disorders

• Parental addiction to alcohol, drugs, etc.

• Religious fanaticism

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UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS

WHY DO I KEEP CHOOSING UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS?

Storyline

I have a pattern in my relationships that I can’t seem to break. I fall in love with people who will not or cannot make a commitment to me. They are either involved with someone else, still recovering from a bad relationship, afraid of commitment or don’t love me enough to want to get really serious. What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing people who can’t love me?

This is one of the most painful and self-destructive patterns, isn’t it? At least you’re aware that you are making the choices, and aren’t blaming your partners for betraying you.

And remember—nothing is wrong with you that isn’t wrong with anyone else. We each have areas of our life where we are the most challenged and carry emotional baggage from our past.

More specifically, you may be prone to choosing unavailable partners if:

You felt abandoned by a parent as a child: You repeat this pattern as an adult by finding partners who can’t be there for you either.

You have low self-esteem: If you came from a very dysfunctional home which left you with little self-esteem because you were always criticized or ignored or abused, you may feel you don’t deserve to have a mate all to yourself, so you’ll take whatever you can get.

You’re afraid of intimacy: Being in a relationship with a partner who is unavailable is a great way to avoid true intimacy. If you were sexually or physically abused as a child and had your boundaries violated, or made a decision when you were young that you would never let anyone get close enough to hurt you again, you may find it “convenient” to choose partners with whom you can never have a truly committed relationship as an unconscious method of protecting yourself from pain.

The first requirement you should have for a partner is that he is available. For those of us who like to pretend we don’t know what available means, here’s a definition:

Available: Free to be in a relationship with you; not involved with anyone else; not married; not engaged; not going steady; not sleeping with another person; alone; single; all yours.

The following are not definitions of available:

With someone, but promises to leave soon

With someone, but he doesn’t really love her

With someone, but they’re not having sex anymore

With someone, but says he’s just staying for the kids

With someone, but she knows about you and it’s all right

With someone, and isn’t leaving, but wants you to stick around anyway

Just left someone who seems to be unavailable for you. Otherwise the Tsunamis of relationship will  develops gradually.

In other words, STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED, IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, OR TELL YOU THEY AREN’T INTERESTED IN MAKING A COMMITMENT!!!

Until you are emotionally free of the pattern, you might try a Relationship Fast for a while—no dating, no intimate relationships of any kind. This will allow you to become strong in yourself, to spend time healing your old emptiness, and to become clear about the kind of partner you need in your life.

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PARTNER WITH AN ADDICT (DRUGS, ALCOHOL, ETC.)

CAN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADDICT (DRUGS, ALCOHOL, ETC.) WORK?

Storyline

I love my boyfriend very much, but he has a problem with drugs. I’ve asked him to stop, even threatened to leave many times, and he always promises he will change, but he never does. I don’t want to leave him, but I can’t live like this. What should I do?

You know what you should do. You should leave, if they couldn’t quit. When you are involved with a person who has an addiction, you are playing with fire and are sure to get burned. If your partner has an addiction, he is in love with something other than you—the alcohol, the drugs, etc. He is, in effect, cheating on you. You are in a love triangle. That substance is your rival—it will take his time, his attention, and his spirit away from you. You will end up hating it as much as you would hate another woman, or if you’re male, another man.

Here’s the second point: Loving an addict also means loving someone who is a slave—he is enslaved to drugs, alcohol, sexual addictions, gambling, or some activity that has become his master. He is not a free person. As you’ve already discovered, you will have a hard time getting an addict to admit he is a slave, because he secretly knows he is controlled by the activity or substance that is his master, and he will cover up that sense of impotence with denial. To admit he is addicted would mean admitting he has been powerless, a very frightening and humbling experience, yet crucial in recovery.

The third negative effect addictions have on your relationship is that they interfere with your partner’s ability to be intimate with you.

Addictive substances used regularly numb one’s ability to feel. This habit of emotional numbness will make it difficult for your partner to feel as much as you’d like him to. You will end up feeling very lonely in the relationship.

Relationships are difficult enough without knowingly getting involved with someone still enslaved by an addiction. Does that mean I don’t think the addicted person deserves to be loved? Of course not. It means that he or she needs to get into recovery, free himself of the addiction, and understand the pain beneath it before he’s capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.

You’ve tried to get through to your boyfriend before, but try these steps one last time:

1. Tell your partner that you refuse to live with an addict any longer.

2. Tell him you will stay with him only if he agrees to get some help and takes action IMMEDIATELY.

3. Tell him that if he does not get help immediately, you are leaving and not coming back.

4. Stick to your word, and if your partner does not get immediate help, do not give him another chance. LEAVE.

5. DO NOT RETURN unless your partner is clean and sober, involved in a recovery program, and shows very significant behavioral and attitudinal changes.

6. Take a look at your own co-dependency by getting involved with social services (philantrophic), or doing some work on healing your own patterns so you don’t attract another addicted personality into your life.

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AGE DIFFERENCE IN RELATIONSHIP

CAN A BIG AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE HURT THE RELATIONSHIP?

Storyline:

I’m in love with a great guy who happens to be fifteen years older than I am—I’m Twenty-one and he’s Thirty-six. He’s been married and divorced and has children not much younger than me. My family thinks I’m making a big mistake, and have come right out and told me that they don’t approve of the relationship. Am I being naive to think our age differences don’t matter?

Yes, you’re naive if you think your age differences don’t matter. They do, but so do all the other differences in your circumstances and personalities. So ignoring this issue, or any issue, won’t work. The more you insist that there aren’t any problems, the more you are probably suppressing your concerns for fear that they will sabotage the relationship. Both you and your partner need to honestly and directly face and discuss all the various problems that have or could emerge around your age difference.

Significant age differences between partners can cause serious problems in relationships. The word “significant” is important here: If your partner is four or five years older or younger, it won’t make much of a difference. However, if your partner is ten or more years older or younger than you, it can cause difficulties depending on your ages and other aspects of your personalities. I’ve found that age differences mean less as both partners get older. For instance, a fifteen-year age difference between a thirty-five-year-old man and a twenty-year-old woman will probably create more potential hazards than that age span in a sixty-five-year-old man and a fifty-year-old woman. The age difference will affect the first couple more, since their maturity and experience levels are usually much more dissimilar than the second couple’s.

Here are the most common issues couples face when there is an age difference:

IF YOU ARE THE OLDER PARTNER:

1. You can become impatient with your mate.

If you are significantly older than your mate, you may lose patience with her level of immaturity, lack of life experience, and learning process. This will be especially true if your mate is between twenty and thirty years of age. After all, you’ve already gone through a lot of what she’s dealing with; you’ve realized it’s not the end of the world when you go through a crisis, because it always works out in the end; you’ve made mistakes and figured out how to do things the right way. So it’s not easy watching your younger partner stumble through these same life experiences.

2. You have a tendency to act like a parent to your mate.

When you have ten, twenty, or thirty more years of life experience than your partner has, you will find it next to impossible not to offer advice, correct, and direct him or her.

After all, you’ve been through this before—you know the best way to do it. Of course your intentions are loving; you’re only trying to help. But the effect can be very destructive to your relationship. YOU BEGIN ACTING LIKE A PARENT AND TREATING YOUR PARTNER LIKE A CHILD. Naturally, your mate feels as if you don’t trust her, you don’t respect her, and responds just like a rebellious teenager would—she becomes resentful and pulls away. And this parent-child game will quickly destroy the passion in your sex life, since your relationship starts taking on incestuous overtones.

3. You may be much more financially successful than your partner.

Most older partners have more financial stability, and therefore more power in the relationship. You’ve had many more years to build up your income, purchase property and possessions, etc. This financial superiority can create tension between you and your partner in numerous ways—you may feel resentful about being the one who provides more, especially if you are a woman; you may feel like you should make the important decisions (what to spend, where to live, what kind of vacation to take) because it’s your money, and your partner might not feel this is fair. You may have difficulty lowering your standards of living to accommodate your mate’s.

4. You may be tempted to control your partner because you hold more of the power in the relationship.

All of the warning signs above add up to this one—it’s easy when you are much older than your partner to get into a power trip and become controlling. You have more money, success, experience and therefore it’s tempting to “pull rank” on your mate.

5. You may be tempted to compromise or sacrifice your interests, friends, and activities in order to appear more compatible with your partner.

If your mate is much younger, you may give up interests he or she doesn’t appreciate and take on habits that make you appear younger.

If you’re involved with a much younger person, here are some questions to ask yourself:

“Do I respect my partner?”

“Am I proud of my partner?”

“Do I trust my partner?”

“What am I learning from my partner?”

IF YOU ARE THE YOUNGER PARTNER:

1. You may put your partner on a pedestal and give up your power.

If your mate is much older than you are, he or she is probably more successful, experienced, and financially secure. This may influence you into unconsciously feeling your partner is “better” than you are, and tempt you to idealize him rather than see him for who he really is. When you allow yourself to feel lesser because of your mate’s chronological advantage, you give up your power. You take his advice rather than trusting your own; you blindly believe his criticisms of you rather than questioning whether or not he’s correct; you invalidate your own needs and feelings out of deference to your partner. You tell yourself:

“He’s the one who’s paying for it, so we’ll do it his way.” “I’m sure he knows what he’s doing. After all, look how successful he is.”

“He knows much more about these things than I do because he’s older.”

Even if your partner doesn’t want to play this role with you, you may be tempted to fall into this pattern simply because of the age difference. And if your partner happens to enjoy his role as the older, wiser one, or actually uses it to control you, watch out—your relationship won’t be very healthy.

2. You may set your partner up to be like a parent.

Another consequence of being the less experienced, less worldly one in a relationship is that you may be tempted to recreate a parent/child dynamic with your partner. If you are always asking his advice, counting on him to help you, depending on him for money, using his connections to your advantage, allowing him to make decisions for you, you are, in essence, behaving like a child and giving him the authority to be your father (or if you’re the younger man, your mother). This prevents you from truly growing up and opens the door for all kinds of emotional programming to run itself out.

Even when your partner doesn’t control you, you may feel controlled and intimidated just by virtue of the fact that he or she is that much older. You may react by becoming rebellious, withdrawn, or difficult. Perhaps this is the relationship you had with your own parents, or you may be acting out the anger you never had the courage to express to them when you were growing up.

3. You may be tempted to compromise or sacrifice your interests, friends, and activities in order to appear more compatible with your partner.

If you are involved with a much older person, here are some questions to ask yourself:

“Does my partner respect me?”

“Does my partner treat me as an equal?”

“Do I feel like an equal with my partner?”

In your case, there are two other issues you and your boyfriend must discuss: First, whether or not you want children and expect him to start a second family; and how you both plan to deal with your respective families (your parents, his children).

So that’s what to watch out for. Now, the good news—a relationship between two people of very different ages can work if both partners avoid falling into the patterns we’ve just talked about by being aware of them, communicating about their feelings, and making agreements that help create an equal and respectful relationship. The more you have in common and the more committed you are to working on the relationship, the better your chances for survival.

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