CAN LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?

One girl met a wonderful man at a friend’s wedding, and they have been having a relationship ever since. The problem is that they live in two different parts of the country, two thousand miles away from each other. Does their relationship have a chance? How can they keep it working when they are so far apart?

Of course their relationship has a chance, but since it is a long-distance romance, they have to be aware of the possible problems and do what they can to avoid them. The very same factors that make a long-distance relationship so exciting also make it hazardous.

It’s easy for you to think the relationship is much better than it is because you don’t spend consistent quality time together. Your goal becomes trying to see one another again, rather than really taking a close look at the relationship.

There are three major problems in long-distance relationships:

1) You don’t get to see what your partner is really like.

You know that if you have three days to spend with your lover, you are going to be on your best behavior and so is he. It’s easy to hide the difficult parts of your personality for seventy-two hours, and leave feeling wonderful. But you never really get to know one another, because you don’t see your mate under pressure, in a crisis, when he is ill, when he is frightened. All of these situations reveal a lot about someone’s character, an essential part of determining compatibility. You need consistent time to discover these dimensions of a person.

2) You avoid dealing with problem areas.

Let’s imagine that you haven’t seen your long-distance lover in two months, and he’s flown in to spend the weekend with you. Over dinner that night, he says something that annoys you. Now you have to make a decision: Do you confront him on what is upsetting you, and risk ruining your weekend, or do you forget about it? Most people choose to avoid the confrontation, fearful that by the time they get through the argument and hurt feelings, half of the weekend will already be over. The problem with this habit is that you and your partner never learn to problem solve together, or advance the relationship to deeper levels of communication and harmony. The unresolved issues and the unexpressed resentments just sit there like Emotional Time Bombs, waiting to explode. It may look like you have a great relationship on the surface, but you haven’t allowed it to move through the transition stage every healthy love affair must experience.

3) You have an unrealistic view of your compatibility.

Long-distance lovers often don’t even know how little they have in common because they are too busy entertaining themselves. If you only have three days with your partner, you will treat it like a mini-vacation—you’ll spend all your time together; you’ll go out to restaurants, movies, shows, etc. and avoiding friends and family. This gives you a very unrealistic picture of your relationship. You may actually enjoy the excitement of the fun weekend more than you enjoy your partner and not even know it. Many couples find themselves extremely disappointed when they finally move to the same city or decide to live together. “It doesn’t feel like it used to,” they often complain. Of course it doesn’t. It’s not a twenty-four-hour-a-day party anymore. It’s a real full-time relationship, and if you and your partner aren’t truly compatible, you’ll find out real fast.

For a long-distance romance to evolve into a healthy, lasting relationship, both partners will eventually have to live in the same place. That’s the only way you can truly know if you are compatible, and develop the level of intimacy you need to sustain your love. But while you’re still apart, the most successful long-distance affairs are those in which the couple treats the relationship like it is a full-time romance.

So:

(1) Don’t try to make every moment together special, but do normal things together

(2) Don’t try to hide difficult parts of your personalities, but be yourselves

(3) Don’t edit how you feel, but allow yourselves to communicate honestly and deal with conflicts as they come up.

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HOW IMPORTANT IS SEXUAL CHEMISTRY IN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

HOW IMPORTANT IS SEXUAL CHEMISTRY IN A MARRIAGE? IF IT’S NOT THERE IN THE BEGINNING, WILL IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

People who ask this question are usually involved in a relationship they wish were different. They feel love for their partner, but don’t feel sexually attracted to them. They don’t want to leave, so they try to rationalize their lack of sexual chemistry and make it “okay.”

My honest response to this question is:

“NO, I DON’T BELIEVE IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY, LASTING, ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHOM YOU AREN’T ATTRACTED TO, for anyone who wants to include sexuality as a part of their lives.” After all, it is sex that distinguishes an intimate relationship from a friendship. Perhaps if a couple met when they were both quite elderly and no longer had an interest in sex, they wouldn’t need more than a strong friendship as a foundation to live together happily. But there is no reason people in their seventies and even older can’t enjoy active and fulfilling sex lives, so I don’t even like to use this example. Besides, it’s not sixtyor seventy-year-olds who usually ask me about love without attraction—it’s men and women in their twenties, thirties, and forties.

If you’re not attracted to a partner, can the sexual chemistry develop over time? That depends. For instance, if you have an issue like the woman who isn’t normally sexually attracted to nice guys, you could develop sexual attraction over time by doing some emotional healing. However, if this pattern or any kind of sexual dysfunction or abuse hasn’t been a problem for you, and you simply haven’t felt sexually attracted to your partner from the beginning of your relationship, you’ll be unlikely to develop it over time.

If you’re in a relationship with someone you’ve never been sexually attracted to, here are some things to think about:

1. You are avoiding true intimacy. A sexual connection binds a couple together in a very special way. There is nothing more intimate than taking someone inside your own body, if you are a woman, or putting a part of yourself into someone else, if you are a man. Especially when you are making love, and not just having sex, you create tremendous intimacy between yourself and your partner. Although it may look like you are avoiding sex, becoming involved with someone to whom you aren’t attracted may actually be a way you are unconsciously avoiding intimacy in your life. Since you know you aren’t going to have a strong sexual relationship, you are naturally protected from feeling too vulnerable with your partner.

2. You are avoiding sex. Some people aren’t just avoiding intimacy by selecting mates they aren’t attracted to—they are avoiding sex. If…

• You have experienced any form of sexual molestation or abuse

• You have been raped

• You have felt sexually controlled by previous partners

• You were brought up with negative sexual programming

… then you may unconsciously fall in love with people who don’t turn you on sexually. This way you get to avoid sex. You may not be aware that you have these sexual issues. You may even bemoan the fact that you keep attracting partners in whom you’re not sexually interested. But if lack of chemistry is a recurring theme in your relationships, you may need to do some

work on healing your sexuality.

3. You are trying to maintain a position of control. When you feel sexually attracted to someone, you are, in a sense, giving them some control over you. It’s as if your mind is saying “You affect me so strongly that you make me want to lose control around you.” If you have issues with needing to be in control, or being afraid of being controlled by others, you may choose partners toward whom you feel no or little sexual attraction in order to keep yourself “safe” Because you don’t feel a strong sexual pull toward them, you get to maintain a certain emotional distance, creating the illusion that you hold more of the power in the relationship.

This is one of the most difficult, yet most important issues a couple should face before getting seriously involved. As painful as it may be, think carefully about everything I’ve said, and make your decision based on what you know in your heart to be true.

 

 

 

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PARTNER WHO DES NOT INTRODUCE YOU TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOUR PARTNER WON’T INTRODUCE YOU TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS?

I’ve been dating a man for nine months who won’t introduce me to his family or his friends. I know he has children from a former marriage, and I haven’t even met them. Most of the time, we spend alone at my apartment or his condo, and when we do go out, it’s always at the last minute. He claims that he is a private person, and that he doesn’t want to bring other people into our relationship, but something doesn’t feel right to me. What does this mean?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but this behavior means just what you secretly suspect it means—that your boyfriend is ashamed to be seen with you or associated with you, and is hiding you from the people in his life. It could be that, for some reason, he doesn’t think you’re “good enough” to be an official girlfriend— maybe you don’t look the way he thinks you should or come from a background he thinks is acceptable. This may sound terrible, but it’s nothing compared to the second possibility you need to look at:

Your boyfriend may be married or involved with someone else, and is cheating on her with you! Thus, the sneaking around, staying inside, and keeping you isolated from the rest of his life. The signs all add up, don’t they?

I’ll bet you’ve known this deep inside yourself, but haven’t wanted to face it, because it means confronting him and, if you have any self-respect, ending the relationship immediately. And respect is the key word here. He obviously doesn’t respect you—his behavior is totally disrespectful. So once you’ve broken up with him, you need to ask yourself some difficult and confrontational questions: Why did I put up with this kind of treatment for so long? What in my emotional past attracts me to men who treat me like I’m not important? What are some of the ways I kept myself in denial about something so obvious? How can I begin to heal my own emotional wounds so I don’t get hurt like this again?

It’s time for you to love yourself enough to know you don’t deserve to be treated like some awful secret too grotesque for the world to see. The man who is lucky enough to be with you should be proud and honored to have you in his life, and excited about showing you off to everyone he knows. And the sooner you get rid of this character you’re with, the sooner you’ll meet a partner who will treat you like the wonderful human being you are.

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How can a couple learn to trust love?

How can a couple learn to trust love when they’ve both been badly hurt in past relationships?

After surviving a very bitter divorce and custody battle for my children, I finally met a wonderful man who is everything my ex-husband wasn’t. He’s kind, open, and willing to talk about everything. Our problem is that his ex-wife left him for his best friend, so he’s afraid to trust love again, and so am I. How can we leave the past behind us and make this new relationship work?

First of all, congratulations!! You are faced with what I call a “high-class problem,” a problem that looks like a problem, but is really a great situation with some challenges attached to it. In essence, what you’re asking is, “How can my partner and I get rid of the fear in our relationship so we can love fully?” That’s a wonderful question to be able to ask. So the first step is for you and your sweetie to remind yourselves that you’ve worked very hard to get to this place. Before you get too intense about climbing your next mountain, take a moment to stop and really celebrate how far you’ve both come to finally have found a healthy relationship.

Okay, now, back to the fear. I’m going to say something that might sound strange—-a little fear isn’t such a bad thing for you and your boyfriend to feel…it will keep you on your toes and force you to pay attention. I’ll bet if you and he look back on your failed marriages, you will notice that you didn’t pay attention to warning signs, problems, conflicts, unmet needs, and all kinds of stuff.

Eventually, it was precisely what you weren’t paying attention to that sabotaged your relationships, right? You didn’t treat those relationships carefully enough. So here you are with a new, wonderful partner, and you’re both scared of making mistakes again, and a little reluctant to just blindly trust. I say, that’s great!

It’s about time! You should be afraid of making mistakes, all of us should. You should be careful to make sure your needs get met. You should be paying very close attention, because the more you pay attention to your relationship, the better it will be.

Do you get my point? It’s like someone who carelessly used a sharp knife and cut herself badly. The next time you pick up the knife to use it, you are afraid. You respect its power much more, as well you should. A relationship is like that—a powerful tool that can be used to help us or hurt us, and I feel not enough people respect that tool.

Here’s something practical you can do to help. Each of you should make a Relationship Mistake List. Go back and honestly assess your former relationship from the very beginning to the end. Write down every mistake you made. Examples: “Let my ex-husband talk me out of my feelings, and then pushed down my resentment.” “Didn’t ask for what I wanted in bed, and felt dissatisfied.” Don’t be surprised at how long these lists are. Share yours with your partner, and have him share his. Talk about each item. Then, together, come up with a new Relationship Rule for each old mistake, and write these down.

Example: “When I disagree with something my partner does or says, I will express my feelings, even if it causes tension between us,” or “I will let my partner know what I enjoy sexually so he doesn’t have to guess.”

The point of this exercise is twofold: First, it will help you understand that your prior relationships didn’t just go bad. There were specific unhealthy behaviors and love habits that caused the relationships to fail. Second, by paying attention to these unhealthy love habits, and committing on paper to new, healthy behavioral choices, you have a great chance of avoiding the old mistakes that would hurt you again. Throw in some good books, tapes, or seminars on making relationships work, and you will have a great foundation to go forward into this new romance with excitement, enthusiasm, and high hopes.

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How do you deal with a partner who is a flirt?

My boyfriend of two years is a flirt! He’s always staring at other women when we are together, especially certain body parts, and sometimes he even comes on to women right in front of me. When I complain about his behavior, he insists he’s just being “friendly,” and “joking around,” and accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous.” What do you think?

What I think doesn’t count—it’s what you think and feel that matters, and you already know what that is. You think he’s acting like an insensitive jerk, and he is! You don’t need me to validate your opinion, but since you asked, I’ll add a little something! What your boyfriend is doing is totally disrespectful.

 I call it “leaking sexual energy.” He may not be doing anything physical, but on the astral plane, he’s lusting after, undressing, and probably doing much more to other women, and right in front of you no less. His saying it’s just “friendly” behavior is like someone whose dog is humping your leg telling you the animal is just being friendly. You know it’s much more—you can feel it in your gut.

As for his accusations that you are “insecure” and “jealous,” those are buzz words men (and women) often use to control their partner, invalidate their feelings, and make them feel something is wrong with them. Don’t fall for it, and don’t let him minimize what he’s doing to you. This is a problem that needs facing.

See, there’s a difference between “noticing” that another human being is attractive as she walks by, and enjoying the contribution her beauty adds to the world, and, on the other hand, having a wild, ten-second sexual orgy with her in your imagination. The first is acknowledging attractiveness; the second is indulging in it and, temporarily, forgetting that your sexual commitment is to your partner. And you know when your lover is doing the second, because it feels like he disappeared for ten seconds—and he did.

Now, let me take his side for a moment, because the fact is that unfortunately our society trains and even supports men to behave in this disrespectful manner toward women. It’s the old eye-winking, back-slapping boys’ club that gives men points for “scoring,” and looks the other way on cheating, flirting, etc. So it’s possible that your sweetheart is a really nice, but misguided, member of the male race who just doesn’t realize how his behavior is hurting you. Then again, it’s possible that he’s not a nice guy and couldn’t care less about your feelings. That’s a distinction only you can make.

Try sharing this information with your boyfriend without blaming him, coming from a more neutral place. See if it helps him understand how hurtful his behavior is to you, and let him know you respect yourself too much to stay in the relationship if the flirting continues.

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Is it Natural for the Passion to Disappear after Years of Marriage?

My husband and I have been married for eighteen years and are more like best friends than lovers. We have sex very infrequently and have settled into what I would call a “comfortable” relationship. There’s a part of me that longs for that passionate emotional connection we used to have, but many of my friends tell me I’m being unrealistic, and that all couples feel this way after years of marriage. Am I expecting too much?

Don’t buy into the popular but misinformed attitude that losing romantic attraction to your partner is an inevitable part of marriage. That’s like saying becoming unhealthy and having a heart attack is an inevitable part of growing older. Are heart attacks common? Yes—but now we know they are preventable IF you take good care of your body. In the same way, just because it’s common for many couples to lose the passion in their relationship over time doesn’t mean it is natural. It all depends on how you take care of your relationship.

Relationships don’t just lose their chemistry overnight. It takes years of neglect, not making the marriage a number-one priority, not talking about your needs, not resolving and healing hidden resentments, and not actively learning how to make love work. All these unhealthy emotional habits are what takes a couple from feeling “in love” to feeling like roommates.

I strongly believe that you do deserve to have a marriage that grows in love, passion, and connection year after year. Is this realistic, even in an eighteen-year relationship? Yes… IF both partners decide to do what it takes to rekindle the passion and learn some of the skills you were never taught about successful loving.

Start by sitting down with your partner, taking his hands, and telling him how much you miss the physical and emotional closeness you used to share. (Believe me, he misses it too!) Without blaming him, tell him you want to work toward transforming your “comfortable” relationship into one that is intimate and exciting. Tell him he deserves more than he’s getting, as you do. When you both recommit to learning how to love, and use some of the skills I teach in my books and programs, you’ll find renewed levels of communication, closeness, and excitement.

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SALVATION

South Asia is deeply religious and is home to many religions and cultures. Followers of all of them – animists, idolaters, Hindu and Buddhist philosophers, Christians and fundamentalist Muslims alike – share a deep respect for the supernatural and a longing for the miraculous or mysterious. We long for meaning in life and for life after death. These longings are answered variously in terms of God, ultimate reality, the life force and so on.

These different religions also define salvation in different ways. It is often understood as achieving freedom from the cycle of reincarnation by merging into the divine, or as achieving an eternal relationship with ultimate reality through knowledge or good works or undivided devotion. The Bible presents a different view of salvation, one that focuses on God’s reaching out to us to restore our broken relationship with him. Restoring this relationship will also help to restore human relationships and bring peace to human communities.

In the OT salvation is used mostly to refer to being saved in specific historical situations. People cried out for salvation when they or the nation were in great danger from their enemies or had suffered some disaster. They were unable to help themselves and needed a deliverer or saviour who would free them from their distress.

Salvation was thus understood as a movement from distress to deliverance. This idea of salvation is also expressed using verbs like “deliver”, “redeem” and “ransom”. These latter two terms should not be misinterpreted as meaning that our salvation involves any bartering with God or with other forces. When the Bible speaks of our being redeemed (or ransomed) it is merely saying that our salvation was not accomplished without great cost. God took the initiative to deliver people from bondage and did so at a cost to himself.

In the OT God is the saviour (Deut 33:29). He may choose to use human beings like Gideon (Judg 6:13-16) as his agents, but he is the true source of any deliverance the believer experiences (Pss 33:16; 44:6-8). Since salvation flows from God, the believer can wait in hope and look with confidence to the Lord (Pss 7:10; 33:20-21; Is. 30:15; 45:22). He reaches down to bring salvation to those who turn to him in trust and rely on him alone.

The idea of physical salvation is still found in the NT. For example, Acts speaks of being saved from drowning (Acts 27:20, 31) and Jesus may have both physical survival and eternal life in mind when he speaks about being saved from the great danger and suffering that will occur during the future tribulation (Matt 24:13, 22). In describing Jesus’ miracles of healing, the writers sometimes use the same Greek word usually translated “salvation” to mean restoration to health and wholeness (Matt 9:21-22; Mark 5:23; 6:56; Luke 7:50; 8:36, 48, 50).

However, the NT introduces a new concept of salvation that is largely absent in the OT when it speaks of being saved from the effects of sin and from evil spiritual powers. In fact, the majority of NT uses of the word “saved” refer to God’s action in and through Jesus Christ to deliver humanity from the power of sin, death and Satan. These evils drain earthly life of its joy and threaten each person with permanent separation from God.

The NT uses three different tenses when speaking of our salvation. First, historically, we have been saved. Jesus died for us on the cross and did all that was necessary for our salvation. All that we have to do is by faith accept what he has done for us. Secondly, we are being saved in the present through Jesus’ life (Acts 15:11; 1 Cor 1:18), which releases us from slavery to sin and enables us to serve God in righteousness. Finally, in the future we will be saved from the very presence of sin. The charges against repentant sinners have already been nailed to the cross and Jesus has won the victory over sin and death (Col 2:13-15). The full manifestation of this victory, however, will be seen in the resurrection of all at the end of time. The certainty of the future completeness of salvation and the total removal of sin is beautifully expressed in Romans 8:18-39 and 1 Corinthians 15:12-58.

Salvation from sin and all the powers of darkness is accomplished by God through Jesus Christ. God has taken the initiative to bring us back into a relationship with him by dealing with the problem of our sin and disobedience. The Bible is clear that God is the one who saves, and that the only human response required is to accept this gracious gift of salvation by faith or in trust. There is nothing else we can do that will ever restore us to a relationship with God or deliver us from our predicament. Only God, on the basis of Jesus Christ’s death on the cross, can save us. We can confidently accept God’s gift of salvation to find meaning in life and live the full life that Jesus gives us.

Ashish Chrispal

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SACRAMENTS

The word “sacrament” derives from the Latin word for a soldier’s oath on entering the army or for any solemn engagement or pledge of a religious nature. When the Scriptures were translated from Greek into Latin, sacramentum was used to translate the Greek word mysterion, which refers to a “symbol” or “something of mystical significance”. Soon the word “sacrament” was used only of Christian acts that were believed to have mysterious and sacred significance.

Over time, the word “sacrament” came to be attached to various things that were seen as channels of divine grace. The Roman Catholic Church identified seven sacraments: Baptism, Confirmation, the Eucharist, Marriage, Ordination, Penance and Anointing of the Sick (given just before death). Protestants, however, recognise only two sacraments, baptism and the Eucharist or the Lord’s Supper, both of which were instituted by Christ himself. Protestants also emphasise the importance of preaching the word whenever the sacraments are administered. Only in the light of God’s word do they find their

proper confirmatory and supporting role, pointing to Christ and confirming our faith in him. There are two sides to each sacrament. On the one hand, each is a visible representation of God’s grace; on the other, each involves an action on the part of the believer, who responds to divine grace by binding himself or herself to God in faith and love.

In baptism, the visible sign is water, and the believer’s action is accepting immersion in the water in a ritual that unites the one baptised with Christ and his people. In some churches, infants from Christian families are baptised, whereas other churches will baptise only confessing believers. In South Asia, baptism has become problematic for Dalits as this public declaration of faith in Christ can lead to their losing all the privileges associated with membership in a scheduled caste, without any other change in their economic circumstances. In situations like this, we must allow God the Holy Spirit to give the individual the conviction and urge to be baptised. It is unwise to push them towards baptism, especially now that anticonversion laws are already in place in many states.

In the Eucharist, the visible signs are the bread and wine and the believer’s action is eating the bread and drinking the wine. Whereas baptism is an individual matter, the Eucharist is a corporate sacrament, one that Christians celebrate together. Bread and wine are used because Jesus used them, for they were the basic food and drink of his day. However, in South Asia the use of wine is contentious, and many churches prefer to use grape juice. Some churches have even gone so far as to substitute indigenous foods like roti and tea for the bread and wine.

The key thing to remember is that baptism and the Eucharist are not magical ways to manipulate God but are outward symbols of an inward grace that is operating in our hearts and minds. Ultimately they connote a “mystery” that can best be expressed in signs and not by speech. Baptism with water shows the cleansing of sin and our dying and rising with Christ and publically proclaims that someone has become a follower of Christ (Rom 6:3-4). The bread and the wine in the Eucharist remind us of the costly grace of God. The wine symbolises the forgiveness of sins through Christ’s blood shed on the cross and the bread symbolises Christ’s broken body through which he nourishes and sustains us (Luke 22:17-20). God calls us to participate in these sacraments so that we can stand firm to the end.

They are also a witness to others about what we believe about Jesus Christ, and thus they have a strong missionary element.

Monodeep Daniel

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ROLE OF A PASTOR

Pastors’ roles are normally determined by the rules of the church bodies with which they are associated, their own understanding of their role and the expectations of their congregations. However, it is worth looking at what the Bible has to say about this role.

The word “pastor” means “shepherd” and implies that a pastor is given the role of caring for God’s flock. Not all those who carry out the work of a pastor are referred to as pastors. Depending on their denomination, they may be called a minister (which means “servant”), presbyter (which means “elder”), parish priest (which refers to their leading people in worship), clergy (which refers to their having been called to this role), or vicar (which refers to their serving on behalf of the one they represent). These different titles reflect the orientation of various denominations towards pastoral ministry, but in essence all who bear these titles are pastors, shepherds of God’s people.

In the OT God is frequently spoken of as a shepherd with the people of Israel as his flock (Pss 23:1-4; 80:1). Kings were also described as shepherds of their people, responsible for providing them with food, protecting them, binding up their wounds, strengthening the weak and seeking those who strayed. When they failed to carry out these responsibilities, the Lord rebuked them for their failure to care for his flock and promised to replace them (Jer 23:1-4; Ezek 34).

Jesus Christ shows all the qualities of the true shepherd, whose coming is prophesied in Ezekiel 34:11-16. In John 10:11-18 he describes himself as the good shepherd and gives details about the qualities required of a good shepherd.

The apostles who assumed leadership of the early church saw their role as continuing Jesus’ ministry as a shepherd. In his farewell address to the elders of the church at Ephesus, Paul exhorted them to tend, oversee, protect and guard the flock under their charge (Acts 20:28-31; see also 1 Pet 5:2-3). Paul mentions pastors and teachers in his list of the gifts God has given the church (Eph 4:11; 1 Cor 12:28).

This clarified that there is a specific role of “pastor” within the church, and that it is intended to equip believers to serve the Lord better. In his letters to Timothy, Paul set out the qualifications for appointment to these positions (1 Tim 3:1-13).

It may be helpful to divide the responsibilities of a pastor into three categories, all of which are modelled on the role of the Chief Shepherd – Jesus Christ (1 Pet 5:4).

• Incarnational role. Just as Jesus identified with us by coming to live among us, so pastors must commit to identifying with the congregation they serve. The pastor’s knowledge of them must go beyond merely knowing their names to knowing their needs and struggles. Such personal knowledge makes it possible to minister to individual needs and offer spiritual guidance. Preaching and teaching will become more relevant as the pastor comes to know and be known by the congregation at a deep level (John 10:4). Pastors who adopt an incarnational approach will be able to pray more effectively, and discipling within the congregation will be more effective.

• Jesus trained his disciples by sharing his life and ministry with them. In the same way, a pastor who identifies with the congregation will begin to recognise spiritual gifts and resources within the congregation. The pastor’s job will then include acting as a coach and mentor, training the local congregation to work as a team so that ministry can be carried out by the whole people of God. This approach demands that the pastor have a vision of the plan of God for the church and for the local congregation. It requires integrity and love in the pastor’s own life and conduct, for otherwise it will be impossible to effectively guide, protect and nurture the congregation.

• Representational role. The pastor is called to represent God to the congregation by preaching and teaching so that the people come to understand all that God has said (Acts 20:27). This highlights the importance of pastors’ teaching ministry. They are to be like faithful watchmen, proclaiming God’s message to those they are called to protect (Ezek 33:16). This is a serious responsibility. They serve as shepherds of a flock that belongs to God, and they must care for it as he would care for it and teach it what he would want it to know (1 Pet 5:2).

• It is important to note that in his representational role, the pastor is not acting like an OT priest and representing the congregation before God. The NT describes all believers as priests (1 Pet 2:9). The pastor is simply the one who leads in worship and administers the sacraments.

• Restorative role. Pastors are called to bind up wounds and restore broken relationships, to seek the lost and restore them to God. They must work to bring about reconciliation and healing in relationships that have gone sour. They need to learn to identify the ways in which people are wronged, neglected, marginalised and discriminated against, and help address the factors leading to conditions of extreme wealth and extreme poverty. They should fight for their people’s legitimate rights. They must act as facilitators and mediators, which means they will also have to address the poverty that cripples people and the unjust systems that contribute to keeping them in poverty.

This role is hard and requires sacrificial commitment to the needs of the flock.

Most Christians in South Asia live as minorities among other communities who are much larger and more powerful, and who are very sensitive to any suggestion of missionary work. In such situations, pastors need to encourage their congregation to dialogue with their neighbours, not as an act of compromise but in an attempt to bring them too into the flock of Christ.

• To sum up, in the words of the Apostle Paul, the goal of pastoral work “is to present everyone fully mature in Christ”. To this end the pastor must work day and night to proclaim Christ, warning and “teaching everyone with all wisdom” (Col 1:28).

N. G. Mathew

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RITUALS AND FESTIVALS

South Asian society is religiously pluralistic and rituals and festivals are an integral part of community life. Christians have to decide whether to participate in these festivities and how to respond to them.

There is no easy solution, but it may help us to move towards a better understanding if we begin by defining our terms. Rituals are ceremonies consisting of a series of actions performed in a prescribed order by an individual or a community. Although we generally associate them with religious rites, there are also social rituals (for example, we are taking part in a social ritual whenever we greet someone by shaking hands with them). Any repeated action that has symbolic meaning may be considered a ritual. Rituals can have physical, spiritual, social and psychological dimensions and are commonly used in celebrations of births and marriages, at funerals, and when making oaths or seeking purification.

Festivals, on the other hand, are occasions of communal feasting or celebration, and often have religious, seasonal and cultural significance. They may last for only one day or for several days, and in the course of them people will observe certain rituals. Festivals meet specific social, psychological or religious needs, and create solidarity in a community or between families. Some festivals like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are purely cultural. Others celebrate the changing seasons, as when agrarian societies celebrate harvest festivals or the phases of the moon or the position of the sun.

Religious festivals celebrate specifically religious events. For example, for Hindus, Sikhs and Jains, the festival of Diwali celebrates the victory of good over evil.

In a society where culture and religion are closely intertwined, it can be difficult to distinguish the religious and cultural elements in rituals and festivals. An obvious way to do this would be to investigate their origins, but even that may not clarify the issues. For example, eggs are universally used as a symbol of new life, especially in relation to the festival of Easter, but historically the roots of this symbolism are pagan. Yet the church has seen no need to refuse to use the egg as a powerful symbol.

Christians are called to be salt and light in the communities they live in. The challenge before us is to adapt rituals and festivities without compromising biblical teaching. One way of doing this is contextualisation, in which we absorb the methods but not the content of these practices. We will have a greater impact on our community if we adopt its rituals and festivals but fill them with new meanings than if we isolate ourselves from our neighbours by refusing to share in their lives.

Customs and practices that are clearly religious must be politely avoided – for example, partaking of prasad offered by a friend or colleague who has returned from a religious pilgrimage, adorning oneself with a bindi (understood as the third eye of Shiva), participating in ancestor worship and the like. But customs and practices that are sufficiently neutral, religiously speaking, may be adapted and filled with Christian meaning. Examples would be the use of yellow flower petals in worship or of a thali necklace rather than a ring in a marriage service. In a multi-religious context, we must strive to be both authentic Christians and authentic South Asians.

Bal Krishna Sharma

 

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RESURRECTION AND REINCARNATION

The Christian understanding of resurrection is very different from the idea of reincarnation as found in religions such as Hinduism, Jainism and Buddhism. The Hindu Vedas teach that the dead will inherit an afterlife, wearing “another body”. Svarga (heaven) is the reward for a virtuous life, and a dark world, naraka loka, serves to punish evildoers. But the Upanishads that followed the Vedas declare that the performance of virtuous acts like sacrifices is insufficient to retain a place in heaven and leads only to continued births in this world.

Hence a belief in karma (the consequence of all one’s actions in this life and in previous ones) and samsara (the endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth) emerged. A person’s present life is believed to be the fruit of acts performed in previous lives. Karma is thus the law of automatic justice. All present pleasures, pains and sufferings are the direct results of past actions. The soul transmigrates from one life form to another human or nonhuman being, depending on one’s karma.

Karma and reincarnation have been employed to explain social inequalities and human suffering and to justify the traditional caste system. These concepts tend to breed indifference towards suffering.

While the Hindu ideal would be to live virtuously in the present so as to obtain a better rebirth, the ultimate goal is moksha, liberation from the cycle of samsara and achieving union of atman (the soul) with the ultimate reality, Brahman.

Reincarnation in Buddhism is not the re-embodiment of a soul, spirit or person but is the transference of karmic bundles of action from one life to another. The primary goal of a Buddhist is nirvana (cessation). This goal is reached by following the path that the Buddha taught. Those who have not attained nirvana are still subject to the cycle of samsara.

Belief in the resurrection is foundational to the Christian faith, but is wholly dissimilar to reincarnation. According to Judeo-Christian teaching, humans have only one life, not an infinite series of lives.

Our status and situation in the present are not the result of past karma. However, there is a judgement at the end of our lives (Heb 9:27). The prophet Daniel says, “multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt” (Dan 12:2). This “awakening” is echoed in the book of Revelation, where all the dead are resurrected and judged, receiving either eternal life or condemnation (Rev 20:4-6,11-15).

For Christians, the doctrine of resurrection is built upon the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who profoundly affects their present life as well as the life to come (John 11:25-26). First, in this life, believers are saved from spiritual death and experience victory over sin. The Spirit of the risen Christ works in their lives to make them alive to God (Rom 6:8- 11; 8:11). Secondly, in the life to come, the resurrection of Jesus Christ makes it possible for believers to be saved from physical death and experience victory over death (1 Cor 15:55- 57). Christ is the firstfruits of all who will rise from the dead. Just as Jesus rose bodily from the dead, so believers will be raised from the dead and receive a new body at the time of Christ’s second coming.

Those in Christ who are alive at his coming will be translated to glory (1 Cor 15:20-23, 51-52; 1 Thess 4:13-18). Paul describes our resurrection body in terms of a heavenly, spiritual, imperishable, glorious and powerful mode of existence (Matt 22:30; 1 Cor 15:35-

44; Phil 3:20- 21) – as seen in the resurrected Jesus. Resurrected believers are morally and spiritually perfected (Eph 1:4; Col 1:22; Jude 24) and experience fullness in understanding (1 Cor 13:12; 1 John 3:2).

A South Asian thinker, P. Chenchiah, argues that belief in the resurrection of the body counters the Hindu and Buddhist doctrine of maya (the belief that the world we experience is an illusion), and is evidence of God’s love for material creation. Thus life after death is not an absorption into God but an embodied life.

Further, the resurrection involves a transformed community of believers who enjoy the presence of God forever (Rev 21:1-5) whereas the wicked and unrighteous are also resurrected in the end, but are condemned to everlasting punishment (Rev 20:12-15). Indeed, the risen Christ can be justifiably regarded as the firstfruits of the life of the kingdom of God, in which the power of death and oppression are overcome.

Finally, we may look at the resurrection of Christ as a clue to the future consummation of the entire created order and the seed of a redemptive movement that has already begun. R. Panikkar and Stanley Samartha have elaborated on this idea in their writings.

In summary, the Christian doctrine of resurrection is absolutely unlike the Hindu and Buddhist ideas of reincarnation. Instead of an endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth, Christians expect a future life in a new heaven and new earth. While there is divine judgement after life on earth, there is present hope for all people. Christ offers forgiveness of sins through his atoning death on the cross. His resurrection promises a victorious earthly life and a glorious resurrected afterlife for the believer.

Enoch Charles

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RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM

Today the word “fundamentalism” is associated with religious extremists who adopt a very narrow view of the fundamental principles of their faith and are fiercely intolerant of all who disagree with them. They are prepared to use violence and terror to fulfil their religious and political agendas. They believe that martyrdom for their cause is honourable and will bring rewards after death. Those who do not support or share these fundamentalist views face intimidation, physical attack and even death.

Fundamentalism is not a new phenomenon. It has occurred throughout the centuries, particularly in missionary religions like Christianity and Islam that have fixed doctrinal teaching. However, the word “fundamentalist” itself only originated in the USA at the end of the nineteenth and the beginning of the twentieth centuries. It was used to describe a new brand of Protestantism that arose in reaction to liberalising trends within American Protestantism, which, according to these fundamentalist Protestants, were undermining faith in God’s word and the uniqueness of Christ. The distinguishing marks of this movement were faith in Christ as the only Saviour and an absolute reliance on the Bible, which was often interpreted in fairly literal ways without much regard for the historical context in which it was written. Christian fundamentalists demanded rigid discipline, banned all practices they considered liberal, and aggressively propagated their own brand of thinking.

In the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, practically all religions developed some kind of fundamentalist sect. We find them in Judaism and in Islam, where they rigidly enforce Sharia law in places like Iran, Iraq, Sudan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Algeria and Egypt. Even historically tolerant religions like Hinduism, Buddhism and Zoarastrianism now have their own versions of intolerant sects.

The most important feature of fundamentalism is its insistence that it alone knows the truth of its religion. It demands unquestioning conformity and uniformity of thought. It condemns those who think otherwise as incorrect and as distorters of the truth. It does not encourage critical and analytical thinking or scientific approaches to solving the mysteries of the universe. Instead, it advocates a return to ancient religious customs and “original” cultural moorings and social practices. It has little patience with preaching love, compassion and peace.

Given its respect for a supposedly purer past, fundamentalism is decidedly politically conservative. It has no concern for the rights of minorities. Instead it preaches a return to rigid patriarchal religious views that oppress women and minorities. For example, virtues like modesty, chastity and self-sacrifice are held to apply particularly to women, even though the moral code of the religion calls on both genders to show these traits. But these virtues are distorted into tools to keep women submissive and exclude them from certain roles.

Fundamentalism tends to attract financial support from those whose religious and economic status is threatened by change. Thus it is often well-funded. But its oppressive ideology has negative effects on the oppressed and on the health, education, social and justice systems in a country. In South Asian societies, it tends to deepen social divisions such as those based on caste, and sometimes deliberately fans such divisions for political gain.

Fundamentalism thus presents a major obstacle to Christian witness and to any effort to challenge unjust systems and discrimination of any kind.

P. S. Jacob

 

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RELIGIOUS CONVERSION

Human beings have the capacity to think and to make choices and decisions. One of the choices they must make concerns their religion. The freedom to make this choice is regarded as a basic human right and is enshrined in the constitutions of many countries. For example, Article 25 of the Constitution of India states that all persons are equally entitled to freedom of conscience and the right to freely profess, practise and propagate religion, subject to public order, morality and health. This does not include a right to forcible conversion. Religious conversion must be a free personal and responsible act under the grace of God.

In everyday language, when one “converts” one thing into another, one changes its purpose and use. The same is true of religious conversion. It involves changing one’s mind and direction. A faith that was once thought to be unimportant now assumes central importance in someone’s life. The person now lives with a new truth and a new understanding of reality. This inevitably means that the person will reject some aspects of the way he or she lived before and adopt a new set of behaviours. In Christian terms, this can be described as repentance.

Jesus began his ministry with a call to repentance: “Repent and believe in the good news” (Mark 1:15). He illustrated what he meant by repentance and conversion in the parable of the lost son (Luke 15:11-32). The younger son’s journey into a far country with his share of the family wealth signifies human departure from God to sin. It caused an estrangement between the young man and his father. But eventually the young man became aware of what he had lost, honestly confessed his sins, recognised that he was unworthy and longed to return to his father’s house. The father anticipated his wayward son’s return and waited with the mercy the son did not deserve, unconditionally loved his estranged son and received him back into his house with a celebration intended for the whole community.

These steps show us the meaning of Christian conversion. It involves acknowledgement of one’s separation from God and turning back to God (1 Thess 1:9). The son needed an inward spiritual change to make him become aware of his separation from God, repent of the sin that had caused it and become willing to accept the welcome God offers. He then again became part of his community, living humbly in reconciliation with the people around him. It is the same with conversion. People need to give up their old sinful ways, live humbly, and live reconciled to God and to those around them.

The story of the lost son also makes it clear that the change that takes place with conversion is not simply a matter of deciding to change, using the power of the finite human will. There was no way the son could force the father to accept him and welcome him back.

That choice lay with the father. In the same way, in Christian conversion the self is passive in accepting what it cannot change, but active in seeing the need for salvation and opening the self to the possibility of conversion, and in accepting the gift of God’s grace when it comes. Repentance and dependence upon God are essential elements of Christian conversion.

Some object to the very idea of conversion, arguing that it uses the cloak of religion to disguise many other motives. Studies have shown that conversion has even been employed as an instrument of social protest. The Dalits of India, for example, have long struggled to escape the oppression inflicted upon them in the name of social stratification. Conversion to Christianity offered them an opportunity to improve their social status and achieve equality, for Christianity teaches that all are welcomed by God. This has been described as a temporal and material reason for conversion. However, is not desire for equality also a spiritual reason?

Others in South Asia allege that conversion to Christianity reflects an illegitimate Western influence and undermines their national and cultural heritage. Such thinking has resulted in moves to introduce anti-conversion laws in some countries and states. But such thinking underestimates what constitutes culture. Conversion does slowly bring cultural change in that the new convert takes on a new view of the world, but it does not overthrow an entire cultural history. The world around a convert does not change overnight. The convert serves as a change factor within his or her existing community, but does not undermine that community. The gospel rightly heard does not praise one culture and condemn another. Rather it evaluates all cultures by its criteria of truth and righteousness.

Cultural hostility to the very idea of conversion has led some Christian converts to worship Christ without undergoing water baptism as a sign of public confession of their faith. Their argument is that baptism may be misinterpreted as a sign that one is abandoning one’s community and losing one’s identity. When this happens, people like Dalit converts to Christ may lose benefits previously afforded them by law, just because they now worship Christ. This legally discriminatory practice in some South Asian countries causes some Christians to abstain from any outward rituals of affiliation.

Salvation is received by faith and not by works. Thus Christian conversion does not necessarily require one to change one’s name, adopt a foreign culture or adhere to certain rituals. Rather, the reality of saving faith in conversion is attested by its practical effect, “the work produced by faith” (1 Thess 1:3). Conversion to Christ creates reconciled people who work for justice amidst injustice, for truthfulness amidst deception, and for peace in the centre of a violent society. This enables them to participate in authentic social transformation. Moreover, in general, converts to faith in Christ learn the value of being industrious and independent, seeking to be sustained by God’s grace rather than by handouts from others. The energy of converts to Christ is visible in their witness to newfound faith and new-found love.

Richard Howell

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RELIGIOUS ART AND SYMBOLISM

Since ancient times, religious beliefs have found expression in music, paintings, architecture, dance and ritual. Religion can even be said to have been the cradle of art, for both express complex ideas in ways that speak to the mind and the imagination. There is thus no natural hostility between religion and art. Hostility arises only when art distorts the essence of religion or misrepresents a religious concept.

Symbolism is an important element of religious art. For example, the cross is a symbol of Christianity and the crescent moon a symbol of Islam. Similarly, in Hinduism hand gestures convey meaning, whether represented on a statue, imitated by a guru or included in religious dances and dramas.

People sometimes use symbols such as markings, ornaments and special clothing to indicate their religious identity. For example, followers of Shiva may have three horizontal white lines on their forehead. Such symbols may also signal social status, as when a married Hindu woman applies vermilion to the parting of her hair and wears a marriage necklace, bangles and toe rings.

Over time, some symbols lose their association with one particular religion and become part of the wider culture. Thus in India, Jains, Roman Catholics, Muslims and some Protestant Christian women also wear a ring on their second toe to convey their married status.

This is a good example of how people adopt the religious art and symbols of the dominant religion in their region, while also making changes to suit their own religious affiliations. Such adaptation may be necessary if a minority group is to thrive within an area dominated by another religion.

Religious symbols can serve as symbols of power and domination or as an assertion about a religion’s place in a community, as when a mosque or temple is erected on a particular site. Politicians can also appropriate religious symbols. For example, a political party in India has taken the lotus as its symbol and saffron as its colour in an attempt to persuade the Hindu population to support its ideology.

Such political appropriation of religious symbols can cause miscreants to destroy symbols associated with other religions, thereby raising tensions within the community.

In reacting against the art and symbols of other faiths, some Christians miss the rich art and symbolism that is part of their Christian heritage. They fail to see that the Bible affirms the universality of art as a gift of God. In fact the very first chapter of the Bible can be interpreted as describing the “art” of God. He shaped everything that exists, and his “artwork” is a powerful symbol pointing to him as the creator (Rom 1:20).

As beings made in the image of the creator, we too are creative. Moreover God has confirmed that the material world is good. Not only did he create it, but he became incarnate in it and the Holy Spirit has come to be with us in it (Gen 1:31; John 1:14; 1 Cor 3:16). Thus we need not be hostile to all images and forms of art, for art (like human beings) only becomes sinful when it forgets its divine origin and begins to serve evil purposes.

Christians can and should engage with art and symbolism in their worship, living and witness. We should recognise these elements in the words of Scripture that we read, in the music we use in worship, and in the majesty of the ritual form of services in some traditions. We can meditate on what it means to say that Jesus Christ is the image of the invisible God (Col 1:15) and that we are being transformed into his image (Rom 8:29). God’s spiritual nature is something that cannot be captured by any image of wood or stone (Acts 17:29), and that is why he forbade any worship of artefacts said to represent him (Exod 20:3-4). But in his grace he did send Christ as the perfect representation of himself (see also the article “Avatar and Incarnation”).

But what should we make of the art and symbols of the wider culture in which we live? First, we should recognise that the religious art and symbolism found in other faith traditions are not intentionally anti-Christian. They do, however, reflect the understanding of the nature of God and reality in each religion. Secondly, we should recognise that in many South Asian traditional cultures, religion and culture are inseparable. It is not easy to separate them or to isolate cultural elements and customs and Christianise them. Accepting certain symbols may be interpreted as accepting many of the beliefs of the religion from which they came. Yet without accepting them, we may not be able to communicate with people whose understanding of reality is bound up with such symbols. (That is also one reason why Christians should watch some movies and popular television shows.)

To the average South Asian non-Christian, Asian Christianity is a Western religion with Western art and symbolism. We should change this false perspective by using Asian art and symbolism. After all, Jesus Christ came from West Asia. The Western art left behind by the colonial powers is of religious and sociological significance, but the Asian church must develop its own religious art and symbolism.

What would such Asian Christian art look like? Here are a few examples to stimulate our thinking. The architects who designed the South Asia Institute of Advanced Christian Studies (SAIACS) in Bangalore adapted many of the outer structural features of Hindu temples. Some churches have also adopted elements of traditional South Asian worship; for example, the worshippers sit on the floor rather than on pews, and there are kuthu vizhakkus (lampstands), garlands and incense sticks. The worshippers sing Christian bhajans set to traditional Carnatic or Hindustani music and celebrate fellowship in new life by sharing the flesh and water of a coconut.

Above the entrance to the chapel of Dharmaram College in Bangalore, Christ is depicted sitting in the Indian cross-legged posture. This mosaic uses both South Asian symbolism and South Asian placement, for in Hindu temples images of the deity worshipped within a temple are placed atop the entrance to the temple. But while this image unabashedly honours Christ, it is not intended to be an object for worship. South Asian Christians should use more such art and symbolism to stress that the core kingdom values of Jesus Christ extend over all.

John Arun Kumar

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