Divorce Counselling

Statistics tell us that approximately one third of marriages (including Christian marriages) will end in divorce. For Christians, this will always be a matter of considerable regret since we believe, based on the teaching of Jesus in scripture, that divorce is not God’s intention for persons in marriage. In Matthew 19:6, for example, Jesus quotes the words from Genesis about a man and woman becoming “one flesh”. God desires that marriage be a permanent and indissoluble relationship.

But we live in a fallen world. We are seldom the people God has called us to be. Often our most serious failures come in the relationships that are most important to us. And no marriage is immune from this risk. Just because some married couples have managed to avoid divorce doesn’t mean that their marriages are all that God intends them to be. We can probably all think of situations where the marriage is intact but is hardly life-affirming and God-honouring.

From a pastoral point of view, divorce is one of the most difficult situations there is to deal with in the church. When church members are sick or facing surgery, their names might be mentioned in worship and prayers invited for them. A network of love and care seems to appear automatically. We seem to know what to do. When church members are in crumbling marriages, however, our responses are anything but instinctive. Too often we appear helpless and act as through we’re paralysed. Even though prayer would be as appropriate as it is in a situation of illness, we work hard to keep the identity of those involved confidential.

The decision to divorce is seldom made lightly. It usually follows a long period of decline in the marriage relationship. Everett Worthington says that many marriage breakdowns pass through the following five stages:[1]

            1.    Watch out: Early warning signs include feeling that closeness has declined – either slowly or precipitously. While intimacy is declining the couple may maintain public behaviour suggesting the marriage is fine. Privately they become increasingly disillusioned with each other. With the decline in closeness communication suffers. Sometimes the couple may ‘snipe’ at each other, initially at home then more publicly as communication deteriorates.

   2. Noticing more differences: As normal communication falters differences that were previously glossed over as unimportant cry for resolution. Partners score points trying to win arguments. Conflict resolution grinds to a standstill.

     3. Whose fault is it? As marriage dies, spouses try to explain why the relationship is troubled. They blame the partner, telling their tale to family and friends. Friends and family can hasten divorce by polarising spouses.

  4. Commitment wanes. Spouses consider the alternatives: the single life or remarriage. Spouses may flirt with eligible partners and try to further relationships with co-workers and friends. Sometimes one spouse may try to re-establish the relationship, even when the other spouse has completely withdrawn from it. Still legally-married-but-emotionally-divorced people are often uncertain about their future.

      5. Physical separation. One of the most painful points in the divorce process, and a giant step toward it. While some couples do mend this tear it is only possible with mutual effort and hard work. Most people who separate eventually divorce. Research indicates that even when reconciliation does occur, subsequent separation is likely.

  Jason Goroncy correctly observes that most people rate divorce as extremely stressful: “In one long-term study divorce was described as an explosion that usually sent recurring shock waves throughout the marriage and family for up to 15 years. It is a life-changing event to which some never adjust remaining stuck for a lifetime bemoaning the loss and clinging to the past. Sequentially the following challenges are likely to be encountered:

    1. Denial is one of our basic defences when we feel threatened and is understandably commonly used when people face the ending of their marriage. Coming to accept reality requires courage and faith, and acceptance of divorce is necessary before further adjustment can occur.

  2. Loneliness. Divorce brings home vividly the awareness of one’s existence as an individual. The challenge is to learn to bear the sense of alienation and loss, while discovering a sense of comfort and peace in solitude. Though there may be an initial flight into frenzied activities and social involvements, ultimately the process calls one to face oneself.

3. Guilt and rejection are closely tied to acceptance and loneliness. Often the one who initiates the legal action struggles with the guilt of hurting someone s/he has cared for, of going against deeply felt values and beliefs about marriage. And the one who is left struggles with a strong sense of rejection, self-doubt and pain.

 4. Grief. The process of mourning the losses in a divorce is painful yet necessary. The complex and multiple losses must be faced and mourned. These losses have been identified by Stanley Hagemeyer as:[2]

a) loss of the dream

b) loss of intimacy and companionship

c) loss of physical accessibility

d) loss of parenting role

e) loss of legal standing

f) loss of money and property

g) loss of community

h) loss of attachment

Each of these losses calls for courage to grieve and move on. The losses may not all occur separately and not necessarily in the order given. Research indicates a bewildering array.

5. Self-concept and self-esteem are intricately involved in the divorce process. Some have suggested that there is no crisis that calls for more confidence and integration of the self than divorce. At the same time there is, arguably, few crises more destructive to self-concept and esteem.

6. Friendships do not avoid the impact and stress of divorce. Maintaining solid friendships and a support network is critical for making it through the process; however, many old friendships get lost. Most persons going through the process are challenged to build a new friendship network.

7. Disentanglement from a former love relationship is a complex task. The often subtle and intricate ways couples intertwine their lives makes letting go difficult. Particularly for parents, the challenge is to separate out the marital and parental relationships and to work together in the best interest of the children.

8. Anger is one of the strongest feelings divorcing persons experience. Rooted in feelings of hurt, abandonment and helplessness the rage some experience is frightening and unlike any anger they have felt before.

9. Sexual identity and relating sexually as a single person are issues raised by the divorce process. It is often a period of initial disinterest. Sometimes hypersexual activity occurs as a way or re-establishing a sense of worth as a man or woman, or a way of coping with loneliness, or seeking revenge. The challenge is to reconcile one’s belief and values with the single lifestyle.

10. Trust and intimacy in social relationships usually come late in the process. Persons going through the process are generally cautious and tentative, avoiding new wounds. Significantly though, many divorced persons remarry within the first year. Not surprisingly, second marriages have a higher casualty rate than first ones. Without allowing time to heal and learn from the ending of a love relationship the possibility of repeating the earlier unsuccessful pattern is high.”[3] 

Pastoral care will be sensitive to all these dynamics. It should be extended to the couple as a whole as well as to individual persons. It will be mindful of the impact of divorce on the family and families of the couple (including dependent children), as well as their circle of friends, and respond accordingly. It will seek a way to end a marriage that encourages cooperation, civility, and even healing. It will consist of a variety of initiatives, including friendship, counselling and perhaps a liturgy designed to mark the end of a marriage.[4]

In your experience of providing (or receiving) pastoral support for persons whose marriages have ended in divorce, what have you learnt, and what advice would you give?

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[1] Everett Worthington, I Care About Your Marriage, Chicago: Moody Press, 1994, 52-3.

[2] Stanley Hagemeyer, 'Making Sense of Divorce Grief', Pastoral Psychology 34, no. 4 (1986), 237–50.

[3] Jason Goroncy, Pastoral Ministry: Module 6: The Practice of Pastoral Care: (B) Contextual Realities, Lecture Notes, 108-111.  

[4] The Uniting Church in Australia has developed ‘A Service of Healing for those whose Marriage is Ending or has Ended’: Theology & Discipleship National Working Group on Worship, The Uniting Church in Australia, 1999 (cited 27 May 2011).