Marriage Counselling

The significance of the phrase marriage is honorable among all is somewhat obscured in older Bible versions. In more modern translations, the sense of exhortation is more evident: “let marriage be held in honor among all” (ESV), “marriage should be honored by all” (NIV), and “marriage must be respected by all” (HCSB). In the first century, as in today’s culture, the sacred institution of marriage was becoming compromised by permissiveness, promiscuity, and sexual immorality. But God’s people are held to a higher standard in which marriage—the foundational relationship of strong families—is regarded as a holy, covenantal bond. But what is possibly of greater interest is the fact that a significant proportion of marriages last for a relatively short time – 14% under five years, and a whopping 25% between five and nine years. For many couples, it would appear that it does not take long for the marriage ideal to come to grief on the jagged rock of reality. Sadly, this is as true for Christians as much as it is for the rest of the population.

One response to these statistics might be to put forward an argument in favour of living in a de facto relationship prior to marriage – the logic of “try before you buy!” However, there is no evidence to suggest that those who have lived in a de facto relationship prior to marriage are any more prepared for, or successful in, marriage than those who haven’t. In fact, the opposite could be argued. People that choose to live together in a de facto relationship seldom opt for any form of relationship counselling – they just move in together – and should they subsequently decide to formalise their relationship through marriage, then they tend to assume that they’ve learnt all there is to know through their experience of living together. Meanwhile, any bad habits, distorted perceptions and dysfunctional ways of relating, which the couple may have fallen into, can go unexamined and unchecked, and carried forward into the marriage relationship.

The fact is, marriage is less about a static state of being than it is about a process of growth. Philip Culbertson is right when he says, “In actuality, marriage is best viewed as a developmental process full of challenges, transitions, and accomplishments, and in need of frequent renegotiation.”17 There are many things that impact upon a relationship, including: personalities; personal character; core beliefs and outlook on life; family backgrounds; previous relationships; hopes and expectations; emotional and physical needs; abilities to express affection, relate sexually, deal with conflict, and communicate; health, employment and financial pressures; age and stage in life; support of friends and families; and so on.

The statistics suggest that a disturbingly high proportion of married couples fail to navigate their way through this myriad of factors and influences, and often by the time they realise the importance of doing so it is already too late. Holding to the adage that prevention is always better than cure, marriage enrichment programmes and marriage counselling can be beneficial in helping couples to “renegotiate” their relationship, to manage transitions from one phase of their relationship to the next, to reflect upon and enhance basic relationship skills, and to address problems before they become insurmountable.

If your ministry involves some relationship and marriage counselling, you might want to bear in mind the following pieces of general advice:

 

1. Remember, there are always two sides to a story. That doesn’t mean that both sides are equally true or valid, particularly if one party has a vested interest in portraying something in a particular way, but it does mean that you should seek to hear both perspectives. Don’t jump to conclusions or act prematurely on the basis of hearing one side only.

2. Meet with couples together, not separately, and encourage them to communicate with each other directly, not through you.

3. Identify as best you can the key issues that need addressing. Remember, the presenting problem is not always the real issue. Don’t get sidetracked by peripheral issues.

4. Don’t get drawn into playing the role of judge and having to decide who is telling the truth and who isn’t. And don’t get bogged down in the detail of disputes, of who said what and to whom. Keep the focus on the heart of the conflict, its effects, and the process for dealing with it constructively.

5. Encourage couples to talk about their own perceptions and feelings and to refrain from making personal accusations against one another. Also encourage them to speak for themselves, not for the other person.

6. Encourage couples to identify their own solutions rather than look to you for answers.

7. As well as listening carefully to what is being said, observe body language and other forms of non-verbal communication. Where there is a lack of alignment between the verbal and the non-verbal, ask yourself why this is. What does it suggest to you? Be alert to hidden agendas and imbalances of power in a relationship.

8. Holding to the maxim that in situations of conflict we often need more light and less heat, develop strategies for taking the heat out of a situation. But don’t be afraid of conflict. Conflict, properly managed, can be a catalyst for growth and reconciliation.

9. Compile some marriage and relationship resources that you have confidence in, and make these available to couples as needed. Good resources can help us see things differently, put our own problems and struggles in perspective, and put us in touch with options that we might not have come up with by ourselves.

10. Know the limits of your own expertise, and when it might be necessary to refer the couple to a specialist relationship counsellor. Also be aware of your own vulnerabilities. Personal matters disclosed in the context of a counselling relationship can trigger reactions in you, including feelings of emotional and/or physical attraction towards one of the parties in the marriage. Regular supervision can be a helpful way of processing these feelings.

What experience have you had of relationship or marriage counselling? What would you change or add in relation to the above list of things to think about?

Think about some of the major stages or phases in a marriage relationship? What sorts of adjustments in a relationship are necessary to negotiate the transition from one phase to the next?

Because the church has such a high view of marriage, it is obliged to do whatever it can to support married couples in their relationships. This is especially important in a culture such as ours where married couples often have to work out their relationship on their own without the sort of support and mentoring that in previous generations might have been found within extended families and local communities. Conscious of this lack of support, some churches run marriage enrichment seminars and weekends. Some even provide marriage vow renewal ceremonies.

These sorts of initiatives can have a hugely positive effect. But they cannot guarantee success. And in some cases, such are the circumstances and dynamics of the marriage, it would be irresponsible to exhort a couple to stay together – for example, if it meant the continued abuse of one or other of the parties in the relationship. Some marriages are deeply dysfunctional, loveless and destructive.

In such tragic situations, what do you think is the church’s duty of pastoral care?