Pastoral Care and Counselling in Marriage 

I.               Introduction

Marriage is an institution established by God since the creation of this world.  It is the foundation of all societies and origin of all principles and norm of life. Good society is based on good marriage. But unfortunately, in the society today, it is one of the most neglected institutions which create lot of chaos in the family that ultimately led to unhealthy society. Therefore, it would not be wrong to say that, happy marriage life will ultimately create new heaven on earth. In this paper the writer is intended to bring out some of the root problems of marriage and family, and suggest some basic remedies to solve the prevalent problems in the Indian society in regard to the pastoral care and counseling on this matter.

II.            Definition

       a.     Marriage

L. Axelson defines marriage as “a legally binding contract between a woman and a man that conveys certain rights and privileges, including sexual exclusivity, legitimation of any children born of the union, and economic responsibilities”.[1]

Marriage is an institution composed of a ‘culturally accepted union of man and woman in a husband-wife relationship as well as role that recognize an order of sexual behavior and legalize the function of parenthood’.[2] In this paper, Marriage and be understood by this definition.

     b.    Family

The American Association of Family and Consumer Sciences defines family as “two or more persons who share resources and responsibility for decisions, values, and goals and have a commitment to each other over time”.[3]

The New York Court of Appeals in 1989 considers “nontraditional relationships with a ruling that a gay couple who had live together for a decade”[4] as a family.   

Family is “the social system of primary relationship from which individual derives their sources of psychological and spiritual nurture”[5].

“It is the strategic center for understanding of emotional disturbances and also for intervention on those psychic forces in human relations that have to do both with health and illness.”[6]

In this paper, the writer uses the definition of the family as the Man and woman who legally united together who share resources and responsibility for fulfilling the God’s Established institution.

III.         Problems in Marriage and Family (in Indian Context)

People get married with the hope the relationship will satisfy a variety of their needs, but unfortunately, it is not to some (or many) couples. ‘A happy marriage is one where there is relatively high degree of mutual need satisfaction, and conversely an unhappy marriage has a high degree of mutual need deprivation….Marital conflict is fundamentally a conflict of two need systems – the needs of one person colliding with the needs of the other’[7]. Some of the root causes of the marital conflict in our country are highlighted as follow:

         a.    Lack of Communication

Good communication is the foundation of good relationship in marital life. But lack of communication is one of the major causes of marital problems in India.

i.                Communication between the spouse

Arrange marriage in India is one factor where the couple does not know each other properly before marriage that they are not able to communicate freely even after their marriage. As a result they are unable to reassure one another. Quite a lot of problems and difficulties are being hidden and kept secret from one partner to the other. Unspoken words also indicate lack of trust, and unwilling to open up about certain feelings. It ultimately creates distance between them by default and find other whom the can confide easily with.

ii.              Communication between the parent and children

Lack of communication between parent and children create problems related to everything from family, school, and relationship. It can contribute to child’s rebelliousness. It also leads children to believe they are insignificant, abandoned or misunderstood and see their parents as hopeless and undeserving.  

iii.            Communication between the in-laws

Lack of communication between in-laws also creates a lot of problem in the family in India. The problem occurs when the husband is too much attached or extremely loyal to his mother over his wife. In some families, every decision has to be made by the in-law (esp. mother-in-law) without proper consultation which creates and enmity within the family. Moreover, “Indian married women are usually reluctant to speak ill of their in-laws’ family members before others out of respect, consideration and fear of reprisal.” [8]

         b.    Financial problems

Financial instability is one of the main reasons of the broken family in India. It is mostly resulted from the lack of planning between the couple in financial matter. It is also associated with the excessive expenditure of one partner or the other, mounting debts and inappropriate investment that decline its stability. Keeping secret financial account by the spouse also create problem. Dowry is one of the major factors causing harassment to the wife and her parents. Wife is tortured by husband, in-laws and by others for bringing insufficient dowry and on many occasions she is even killed.

         c.     Social Problems

India has very conservative social practices as compare to other western countries. There are various taboos social stigmas that hinder the harmonious marital life. In many rural India women are subordinated in the society, at the same time, there are highly competent wives who may make the husband feel small and vice versa.

         d.    Sexual Dysfunction.

Sexual incompatibility or lack of sexual education/knowledge may lead to an unconsummated marriage resulted to depression and disunity between the couple. On top of that the people are very reserved that they don’t know how to consult a physician to solve this problem. Their feelings of guilt, shame or inadequacy are only increased by a need to conceal their difficulty. When a couple is married for several years without giving birth to a baby, then their family members pass comments on them and it produces guilt and conflict between them.  Premarital sex, extramarital sex, sexual fantasy, impotency, frigidity and homosexuality are important factors for marital disharmony.[9]

IV.          Role of the pastor/Counselor

          a.    Pre-Marital counseling

Premarital counseling refers to the ministry offered by a pastor to a couple prior to officiating at their marriage. It is a pastoral care, guidance and interpretation rather than counseling because the majority of couples have no awareness of having problem. The primary value in premarital pastoral care is in assisting a couple to surface assumptions about themselves, their families of origin and the religious community they are asking to bless their marriage. It is also to provide the couple with an opportunity to develop a significant relationship to the minister and thence to the religious community.[10]

Pre-marital counseling is very important (necessary) for the couple to have a happy married life. According to the survey reported in The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling on the clergymen with 167 clergy couple from various religious groups, found out the following subject/topics as the most important  to address in pre-marital counseling: - [11]

          i.      Commitment to the Marriage

         ii.    Communication skills

        iii.  Attitudes and beliefs toward marriage

        iv.  Conflict resolution

        v.    The importance of spending time with one’s partner

    The following five topics were rated by clergy as least important:

        i.      Family-of-origin factors

       ii.    Friendships and social supports

      iii.  Careers

      iv.  The couple’s reasons for entering premarital counseling and

      v.    Fun and leisure.

It is believe that this survey would be universally true and applicable. Therefore the church and the pastors and counselors in particular in our country should also emphasize on them and give special importance to premarital counseling to the couple with appropriate time and course in order to maintain a harmony marriage and family life.

     b.    Marital Counseling

The goal of marital counseling is that two people will come to know themselves better, to understand how their marriage ran into a roadblock and to find a way around or decide to go back to the place where they were enjoying each other. Sometimes, there is no road back and too many chuck holes have been developed. But still one must stand by the proposition that two people must find their own best alternatives with whatever insights the counselor and the counselees, working together, may achieve.[12]

Clinebell suggests 12 steps for the pastor in marriage counseling. He says that pastor should:[13]

       i.      Communicate warmth, caring, and a willing help, and affirm the couple for seeking help.

       ii.    Find out how each feels about being there.

      iii.  Help motivate the less-motivated partner by building rapport.

       iv.  Discover how long the crisis or problem have been going on.

     v.    Provide comparable opportunity for each person to describe the problems, express their feelings, and say what changes must occur to make the marriage workable for them.

      vi.  After their anger and hurt are expressed and reduced, find out what each person will still values about the marriage about each other, and affirm whatever strengths and potential resources they have with which to strengthen their marriage through counseling.

   vii.  Make a tentative decision concerning whether to try short-term marriage crisis counseling or refer the couple to a marital therapist.

      viii.    If short-term counseling seems likely to help, get consent from the couple for three or four additional sessions with the positive expectation. If referral needed, pastor should explain and assure the couple that he or she will assist them in finding the specialized help they need.

      ix.  Help the couple decide on and commit themselves to some between-sessions at-home assignment – some small, constructive action they will take to help make their relating more mutually satisfying as soon as possible.

     x.    Near the close of the session ask them how they feel about what has occurred – drawing and accepting any negative feelings they may have.

       xi.  Use prayer or other religious resources only if clearly appropriate with that couple

     xii.  Reflect on what was learned, and make tentative plans for helping the couple; check with a consultant or colleague if the situation is complicated or confusing.

 

V.             Role of the Church

Charles Stewart suggests three basic dimensions to a church strategy for strengthening families:[14]

     a.     To develop a network of caring and express its family concerns through visiting the sick, the grief-stricken, and those who are homebound. Intercessory prayer for those undergoing crisis may become a regular part of the church’s order of service….the congregation is the primary agent of pastoral care with its pastors serving as enablers and consultants as well as visitors.

    b.    The church should develop a family ministry through its educational program. This ministry may be effected through intergenerational classes; intergenerational retreats for the entire church membership including single, widowed, and  divorced persons – these are ways in which groups may study together and develop the family support bonds which such inclusive study generates.

     c.     The church should focus finally on family enrichment and counseling. Most family members can be helped to cope with the developmental passage points and accidental crisis periods through enrichment experiences…. Family counseling should be available to those families for whom group interaction and support are not enough to help them through a critical period. The pastor will need to be aware of those who are under stress….and who require more counseling help than an enrichment group can provide.

VI.          Assessment

Marital counseling in India is far lacking behind as compare to the western countries. Ironically the divorce rate in India is far lesser than some western countries. But it is observed that the churches in India are paying less/no attention to marital and family counseling. Therefore, if the divorce rate is far lesser while a very limited counseling is given, with proper counseling to the needy will culminate the essence of marriage and family life, which in turn lead to the growth of the church and ultimately to the healthy society.

The churches in India should open less opportunity to marital and family counseling. “The spiritual dimensions are profoundly significant in helping couples become aware of their potential for being loving and individuals in a marriage relationship. As the therapist is aware of and trusts the transcendent power of God, the source of love, the couple in marriage therapy will have increased possibilities of recognizing themselves as spiritual beings with the goal of reflecting that love within the marriage relationship”.[15]

 Conclusion.

Family is the foundation of a society and marriage is in the process of building that society. Therefore, social harmony is directly or indirectly depends on the healthy marital life and family. So, everyone should nurture the relationship between the couple and the children because family is second most priority of an every individual next to God.

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BIBLIOGRAPHY

Clinebell, Howard, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counseling: Resources for the Ministry of Healing and Growth. Tennessee: Abingdon Press, 1984.

Goel, Manju  ‘Matrimonial & Family counseling centres of the Delhi legal Aid & Advice Board-An introduction & Acknowledgements’, Marital Disputes and Counseling: Counseling Methodology, Edited by Manju Goel and Nirmala Sherjung, New Delhi: APH Publishing Corporation, 1997. (11-22)

Hudson, F. Lofton Marital Counseling, Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1971

Mathur, M. N. Lal ‘Causes of Marital Disharmony and its Remedy’, Marital Disputes and Counseling: Counseling Methodology, Edited by Goel, Manju and Nirmala Sherjung, New Delhi: APH Publishing Corporation, 1997. (37-49)

Murphy, T. F Dixon ‘Marriage counseling and Marital therapy’ in Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling edited by Rodney J. Hunter, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005. (285-288)

Murray, Christine E. ‘Which Topics are Important to Address in Pre-marital Counseling? A server of Clergy’ The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling, 2006 Vol. 60, Nos. 1-2

Nease, T. S. and Patton, J. “Premarital Counseling” in Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling edited by Rodney J. Hunter, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005 (947-949)

SR , J. Kenneth Davidson and Moore, Nelwyn B. Marriage and Family: Change and continuity, Needham Heights: Allyn and Bacon, 1996. 

WYNN, J.C. “Marriage” in Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling edited by Rodney J. Hunter, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005. (676-678)

 

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[1] J. Kenneth Davidson, SR and Nelwyn B. Moore, Marriage and Family: Change and continuity, (Needham Heights: Allyn and Bacon), 1996.  21.

[2] J.C. WYNN, “Marriage” Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling edited by Rodney J. Hunter, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005). 676.

[3] J. Kenneth Davidson, SR and Nelwyn B. Moore, Marriage and Family…..21.

[4] J. Kenneth Davidson, SR and Nelwyn B. Moore, Marriage and Family…..22.

[5] Howard, Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counseling: Resources for the Ministry of Healing and Growth, (Tennessee: Abingdon Press), 1984, 294.

[6] Howard  Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counseling………295.

[7] Howard Clinebell, Basic types of pastoral Care and Counseling….265

[8] Manju Goel, ‘Matrimonial & Family counseling centres of the Delhi legal Aid & Advice Board-An introduction & Acknowledgements’, Marital Disputes and Counseling: Counseling Methodology, Edited by Manju Goel and Nirmala Sherjung (New Delhi: APH Publishing Corporation, 1997). 15

[9] M.N. Lal Mathur, Causes of Marital Disharmony and its Remedy, Marital Disputes and Counseling: Counseling methodology, edited by Manju Goel and Nirmala Sherjung (New Delhi: APH Publishing Corporation, 1997) 41.

[10] T. S. Nease and J. Patton, “Premarital Counseling” in Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling edited by Rodney J. Hunter, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005),  947.

[11] Christine E. Murray, ‘Which Topics are Important to Address in Pre-marital Counseling? A server of Clergy’ in The Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling, 2006 Vol. 60, Nos. 1-2. 73.

[12] F. Lofton Hudson, Marital Counseling, (Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1971). 9

[13] Howard  Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counseling………269

[14] Howard  Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counseling………302

[15] T. F Dixon Murphy, ‘Marriage counseling and Marital therapy’ Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling edited by Rodney J. Hunter, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005),