HOW IMPORTANT IS SEXUAL CHEMISTRY IN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

HOW IMPORTANT IS SEXUAL CHEMISTRY IN A MARRIAGE? IF IT’S NOT THERE IN THE BEGINNING, WILL IT DEVELOP OVER TIME?

People who ask this question are usually involved in a relationship they wish were different. They feel love for their partner, but don’t feel sexually attracted to them. They don’t want to leave, so they try to rationalize their lack of sexual chemistry and make it “okay.”

My honest response to this question is:

“NO, I DON’T BELIEVE IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY, LASTING, ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHOM YOU AREN’T ATTRACTED TO, for anyone who wants to include sexuality as a part of their lives.” After all, it is sex that distinguishes an intimate relationship from a friendship. Perhaps if a couple met when they were both quite elderly and no longer had an interest in sex, they wouldn’t need more than a strong friendship as a foundation to live together happily. But there is no reason people in their seventies and even older can’t enjoy active and fulfilling sex lives, so I don’t even like to use this example. Besides, it’s not sixtyor seventy-year-olds who usually ask me about love without attraction—it’s men and women in their twenties, thirties, and forties.

If you’re not attracted to a partner, can the sexual chemistry develop over time? That depends. For instance, if you have an issue like the woman who isn’t normally sexually attracted to nice guys, you could develop sexual attraction over time by doing some emotional healing. However, if this pattern or any kind of sexual dysfunction or abuse hasn’t been a problem for you, and you simply haven’t felt sexually attracted to your partner from the beginning of your relationship, you’ll be unlikely to develop it over time.

If you’re in a relationship with someone you’ve never been sexually attracted to, here are some things to think about:

1. You are avoiding true intimacy. A sexual connection binds a couple together in a very special way. There is nothing more intimate than taking someone inside your own body, if you are a woman, or putting a part of yourself into someone else, if you are a man. Especially when you are making love, and not just having sex, you create tremendous intimacy between yourself and your partner. Although it may look like you are avoiding sex, becoming involved with someone to whom you aren’t attracted may actually be a way you are unconsciously avoiding intimacy in your life. Since you know you aren’t going to have a strong sexual relationship, you are naturally protected from feeling too vulnerable with your partner.

2. You are avoiding sex. Some people aren’t just avoiding intimacy by selecting mates they aren’t attracted to—they are avoiding sex. If…

• You have experienced any form of sexual molestation or abuse

• You have been raped

• You have felt sexually controlled by previous partners

• You were brought up with negative sexual programming

… then you may unconsciously fall in love with people who don’t turn you on sexually. This way you get to avoid sex. You may not be aware that you have these sexual issues. You may even bemoan the fact that you keep attracting partners in whom you’re not sexually interested. But if lack of chemistry is a recurring theme in your relationships, you may need to do some

work on healing your sexuality.

3. You are trying to maintain a position of control. When you feel sexually attracted to someone, you are, in a sense, giving them some control over you. It’s as if your mind is saying “You affect me so strongly that you make me want to lose control around you.” If you have issues with needing to be in control, or being afraid of being controlled by others, you may choose partners toward whom you feel no or little sexual attraction in order to keep yourself “safe” Because you don’t feel a strong sexual pull toward them, you get to maintain a certain emotional distance, creating the illusion that you hold more of the power in the relationship.

This is one of the most difficult, yet most important issues a couple should face before getting seriously involved. As painful as it may be, think carefully about everything I’ve said, and make your decision based on what you know in your heart to be true.