PARTNER WHO REFUSES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS OR WORK IN RELATIONSHIP

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A PARTNER WHO REFUSES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS OR WORK IN RELATIONSHIP?

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Trying to get through to my husband is like banging my head against a steel wall. He refuses to discuss our problems, tells me they are my issues, and says if I want to read books or go to therapy, I should go ahead, but to leave him out of it. This has been going on for years. Our marriage is in major trouble, but he doesn’t want to see it, and I feel like saving it is up to me. Is this something that I can do alone? Is there something that I can do to wake him up?

This is one of the saddest questions. A husband or wife shares this kind of story tearfully and tears apart their marriage in severe trouble, and a partner who absolutely refuses to discuss any problems is a big problem. You may not like my answer, but here goes: You are not presently in a marriage. What do I mean by that? I mean that marriage is not a living arrangement, or how many years you have been together, or a piece of paper that says you are husband and wife. Marriage is ultimately the commitment to loving your partner and doing everything you can to make the relationship work.

Since your husband refuses to face or discuss your problems, and will not agree to any outside help in solving your conflicts, he has broken his commitment to your relationship as much as if he had an affair. He may be scared; he may have had an abusive childhood; he may have a wonderful, loving heart somewhere inside of him. The fact remains that, unless he is willing to be an active participant in your partnership, there is no partnership. And you can’t make a marriage work alone

There are five commitments every marriage needs to survive and grow. These are commitments both partners should make:

1. I am committed to learning everything I can about being a better person and a better mate, and I will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

2. I am committed to being emotionally open to and with my partner by sharing my feelings.

3. I am committed to being emotionally generous with my partner, not emotionally stingy, and will express my love and affection.

4. I am committed to being honest with my partner and myself.

5. I am committed to learning how to love my partner as much as he or she truly deserves to be loved.

Any relationship cannot be truly healthy without these commitments. Take Commitment #1, for instance, the one you and your husband are struggling with right now. If a partner isn’t committed to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work, what’s the point of being in a relationship at all?

Being committed to merely living in the same house with you and calling you a wife does not qualify as being a good husband. A good husband, or wife, fights for the marriage, and will try everything, until it’s obvious that nothing is going to work.

Apparently, you’ve tried to get through to your husband countless times. Try once more, and use this analogy. Ask him to imagine that one of your children, or a beloved pet, had been hit by a car and was lying, bleeding, in the street. Would your husband say “I don’t believe in hospitals,” and leave your loved one there to die? Would he stubbornly refuse to get help? I don’t think so. He’d rush the person he loved to the hospital and beg for all the help he could get.

Well, guess what? Your relationship is lying, bleeding, in the street. If it doesn’t get help, it’s going to die. Ask him one more time. If he truly refuses to participate in an effort to save it, if he stubbornly holds his ground, know that it is time for you to leave before you, too, bleed to death emotionally.

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PARTNER TO EXPRESS FEELINGS

HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER TO EXPRESS FEELINGS TO ME?

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I know my husband loves me, but he never expresses it verbally. He comes from a family that isn’t very communicative, and claims “words don’t mean much to him.” How can I get him to express his feelings to me? I’m starving for some attention.

You’re what it call “word-hungry,” starving to hear verbal expressions of your husband’s love that will fill up your heart. Like all of us, your husband formed his love habits at an early age, and obviously didn’t experience being loved with words, nor see examples of his parents using words to express feelings. Remember—he’s not withholding verbal affection on purpose; he simply doesn’t understand why it is so important to you, or how to fulfill your needs. So let’s talk about how you can explain this to him so he gets it!!

One of the best ways to create intimate connections between you and your beloved is with words. Words are bridges that allow you to travel from your private world into your partner’s. They link your silences together, so you can know the person you love from the inside out, and he can know you. They give your mind evidence to trust what your heart already knows. Deep inside, you feel he loves you but when you hear him say those words, the experience becomes that much more real.

Some people argue that words, by definition, cannot possibly contain the fullness of emotion, and therefore limit your experience of intimacy.“ Talking about it trivializes the love,” they insist. I strongly disagree—without words to make the feelings tangible and transferable, the feelings will not be as real to you or to your partner. Words stir up the love energy between you. They are like the wind, making waves upon the ocean of feeling you share.

The water is always there in the sea, but it is the wind that moves it, teasing it from stillness until it rises into sparkling swells. Your feelings are always there in your heart, but it is the words that give them movement from silence into expression.

Many lovers are stingy with their words. They hoard them as if there are a limited number of “I love you’s,” “I need you’s,” and “You make me so happy’s” available, and they don’t want to use them up. So they conserve the amount of verbal love they share, saving it for special occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries, and leave their partner feeling hungry for words the majority of the time. Whenever I’ve confronted verbally stingy men in my life, they always responded with this defensive reasoning for why they weren’t loving me more with words:

“If I say it all the time, it won’t mean anything anymore…” This thinking is as absurd as believing that if you wear a beautiful dress often, it won’t be as beautiful as if you only wear it once in a while, or that if you kiss your little girl or boy good night every night and tell them you love them, it won’t mean as much as if you only do it once every four months!

The result of this kind of emotional stinginess will be that the mate who isn’t hearing love words feels controlled and resentful, and that’s what you’re feeling now. Your partner has been putting you on a “verbal love diet” without realizing it. You need more words of love from your husband—they will feed your heart and nourish your spirit.

Translating feelings into words isn’t always easy. Some of us, like your husband, aren’t very familiar with the language of love, because no one ever used it with us. “I don’t like talking about feelings —that’s just the way I am,” we claim. Some of us feel uncomfortable using words, either because we fear we aren’t very good with them, or because expressing our emotions in words leaves us feeling vulnerable and unprotected. “I’m not sure what to say. I just can’t describe it,” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” we protest. But I believe that our fear or lack of ability is no excuse for not learning how to use words to be a better lover.

Share my thoughts with your husband. (And for all you other women out there, place this book open to this page in front of your lover when needed!) Perhaps when he understands that you’re not asking him to put feelings into words to get him to do things “your way,” but want to appreciate his love for you even more than you already do, he’ll be willing to try using more words. And don’t forget to remind him that women get turned on in our heads first, and that, for most of us, loving words are a powerful aphrodisiac!!

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FALLING IN LOVE TOO QUICKLY

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS FALLING IN LOVE TOO QUICKLY? WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF A PERSON EXPERIENCES THIS OFTEN?

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I’m madly in love with my boyfriend, and we’re talking about getting married. My friends think I’m crazy, since we’ve only known each other for about six weeks, but our relationship is perfect! The only thing that makes me a little nervous is that in the past, I have been IN A RELATION with two other men, both within the first three months of meeting them. Am I falling in love too fast? How do I slow down?

You are a bona fide “Love-at-first-sight junkie”!! You are addicted to falling in love, and the instant high it gives you, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Love-at-first-sight junkies are in love with love, and it doesn’t usually take much for you to feel it. Once you get hooked on a new partner, your mental faculties seem to all but disappear, and you say things like “our relationship is perfect” when the truth is, you hardly know the person. And that’s the point. You don’t really want to know him, because if you did, you’d have to take him off of his pedestal and see him as a flawed human being, and that would ruin your fantasy.

I wouldn’t even call what you’re doing “falling in love.” It may be more like “falling in lust,” or an infatuation with who you think the other person is. You are so commitment hungry that you are looking for a commitment rather than looking for a good relationship. True, some people do know the moment they meet their partner that it is right, but in your case, you’ve made a profession of instant love affairs, so I am pretty sure this isn’t the real thing. And the problem is that once the relationship does become more real, and you are forced to deal with all of the challenges every couple faces, you become disenchanted, feel like you’ve “fallen out of love,” and break it off, right?

There are two issues you need to deal with. First, why you keep doing this, and second, what to do about your present situation.

Let’s talk about the why. Love-at-first-sight junkies are usually people with very wounded hearts. When you were small, you probably did not have the loving family you wanted, and in some way felt rejected, abandoned, or not good enough. You grow up with this huge, unfulfilled desire to belong, to have someone, anyone, there for you, to fill the emptiness you’ve carried inside you for as long as you can remember. And it doesn’t take much to fill this order.

A person comes along, usually someone who is also desperate to feel wanted, and you latch onto each other like two drowning sailors who just discovered a plank of wood floating in the ocean.

If you ever want to have a truly healthy and lasting relationship, and I know you do, you are going to have to face the demon you’ve run from your whole life: your pain. You’re in need of intense emotional healing work. Stop hiding behind your infatuations, and find the courage to look within. There you will find the answers to all your questions and, ultimately the love you’ve been seeking.

Now, about your boyfriend. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him. Hopefully, you can both do this emotional work together, and actually begin to create a real relationship. But whatever you do, do not live together and do not get married.

Don’t even talk about it. Slow down. Date each other, and get to know yourself, as well as the other person. Day by day, week by

week, your relationship will grow, slowly, like a tree sprouting from a seed, planting its roots firmly in the soil.

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COMMITMENT PHOBIA

HOW CAN I TELL IF I HAVE “COMMITMENT PHOBIA”?

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I keep going through the same frustrating cycle in my relationships. When I first meet someone I’m attracted to, I really want to get close, and I appear very loving and open to my partner. But the more the other person wants some kind of commitment, the more I pull away, until one day, I leave. My last lover accused me of being a “commitment phobic.” How can I tell if I’m just going through a normal selection process, or if I have a serious problem?

Sounds suspicious!! If this has happened over and over again, you almost certainly do have “commitment phobia.” That would make you what I call a “Commitment Rebel.” If in your childhood, you loved someone, your father, your mother, your big brother, but that person took something from you—your power, your self-esteem, your innocence, your voice, you may unconsciously have thought of that person as “the enemy,” even though you loved them. So when you grow up and you meet a partner and you love that person, automatically in your mind, you think “people I love are the enemy. They want something from me. I have to hold my ground,” and you will have a hard time committing to that person.

This resistance to commitment might express itself in major ways, such as actually refusing to commit to marriage, or it might express itself in small ways, such as refusing to commit to going to counseling, or not taking out the garbage when you said you would.

Commitment Rebels are motivated by a need to be in control, and a fear of losing control. Committing to someone will feel like you’re giving something up, as if they won and you lost. That’s because in some earlier relationship, it did feel like you lost something by loving that person who hurt you.

Here are some characteristics of Commitment Rebels. If you’re one, you will recognize these. (If you’re in love with one, you’ll race into the other room to show your partner what I wrote!)

1. Commitment Rebels don’t like being told what to do.

They can become easily defensive and argumentative.

2. Commitment Rebels are often irresponsible with time and money.

They may be late a lot, not pay bills on time.

3. Commitment Rebels don’t like making plans.

They resist committing to the future or pinning themselves down.

4. Commitment Rebels don’t like talking about or showing feelings.

It feels like too much of a commitment, and gives the other person too much power.

5. Commitment Rebels are often procrastinators.

They don’t like committing to doing anything in particular.

6. Commitment Rebels can be unmotivated with no strong direction in life.

They are afraid to commit even to their dreams.

Naturally, a Commitment Rebel will panic the moment his partner starts using the “C” word, as you have in all of your relationships.

So what’s the solution? First, I suggest you go on a Relationship Fast. That doesn’t mean having lots of fast relationships, but the opposite: no dating or intimate involvement with anyone for a while. Pull all your energies back on yourself so you can break this pattern.

Next, do some serious work on healing your emotional programming like physical exercise, reading good books, refreshing with nature, etc.

Within every Commitment Rebel is a hurt and angry little child who felt very controlled when he was small. You need to help that child take his power back from whomever you feel took it from him. You can do this with a really good and qualified therapist, a program like Making Love Work, or in whatever manner you choose. Once you finish that unfinished emotional business from your childhood, you will be free for the first time in your life to love as deeply as you want to love.

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HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEONE IS REALLY COMMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP?

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My partner claims he really loves me and wants to be with me, but when it comes to working on “us,” he continually disappoints me. Whenever I bring up what I’m unhappy with, or ask him for some things I need from him in order to stay together, he apologizes and promises to change. If I press him further, he gets defensive and says “I’m working on it,” The point is, nothing has changed, and I’m afraid it never will, but I know he really does love me, and I don’t want to lose him. How can I tell if he is serious about this relationship?

First of all, you are in complex situation. Be wise to understand your situation and wisely understand how to ask him if he is serious about the relationship, and if he wants the same kind of relationship you do. If he insists that he does, and that he truly wants to change, you need to address two major issues:

1) What commitments you need from him; and

2) HOW he plans to work on himself so that he can fulfill those commitments.

I have a feeling that, in your case, your mate really means it when he says he wants to be with you and work on things. The problem may be that he doesn’t fully understand WHAT he needs to work on and doesn’t have a clue as to HOW to work on these issues. At the risk of sounding sexist, I must say that I have seen this situation countless times with men whose wives or girlfriends complain of the same frustrations you do. Often, these men are too proud or embarrassed to say to their women “Look, I know I need to change, but to be honest with you, I have no idea exactly what you want me to change, and even less of an idea of how I would actually make these mysterious changes.” Instead, they say “I’m working on it,” or “Stop pressuring me,” hoping to buy enough time to figure out what the hell they’re supposed to do.

If you’re a woman reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Come on, , what’s so complicated about wanting your husband to be more intimate, or share more of his feelings? How hard can it be for him to understand these requests?” My answer is: much harder than you could ever imagine!! Most women are much more familiar with their inner world of feelings than are most men; we naturally understand what it means to “open up,” or “let someone in,” or “surrender to the moment.” However, to many men, these concepts are strange, and even frightening.

It is likely more verbally clear and specific women are in defining exactly what behaviors they would like their partners to develop, and the more concrete tools they offer their partners to assist them in making those changes, the more willing men are to actually “work on it.”

Here is an exercise that has helped hundreds of thousands of couples learn how to work on improving their relationship. This exercise gives a wonderful feedback from men who shared how this exercise allowed them to  truly understand what their wives needed and gave them ideas for how they could specifically fulfill those needs.

On one side of a piece of paper, list all the things you need from your partner, the ways you’d like him to change. Then, in the second column next to each item, write down specifically how he could demonstrate his commitment to fulfilling that need.

EXAMPLE:

One Side	Other Side
What I Need	How You Could Demonstrate It
I need him to be more emotionally open with me about his feelings.	Tell me what’s bothering you before I have to ask a bunch of times, even if it’s a little thing you think isn’t important. Tell me you love me sometimes first, before I say it.
	Reach out to take my hand when we are walking somewhere instead of waiting for me to reach out to you first.

You’d be amazed at how powerful this process is. Often the man will respond by saying “Oh, is that what you mean by being open? I can do that.” And you think to yourself, “What took you so long?” Perhaps he was missing the HOW of “working on it.” Naturally, both partners should do the above exercise. Suggest this to your mate. Hopefully, it will provide him with the tools he was looking for to give you what you wanted and, as an added bonus, to even express some of his own needs. Once this works, you’ll find your partner is much less defensive about the idea of changing, and you can go on to exploring other methods of transformation together— tapes, seminars, counseling, etc.

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