Is it Natural for the Passion to Disappear after Years of Marriage?

My husband and I have been married for eighteen years and are more like best friends than lovers. We have sex very infrequently and have settled into what I would call a “comfortable” relationship. There’s a part of me that longs for that passionate emotional connection we used to have, but many of my friends tell me I’m being unrealistic, and that all couples feel this way after years of marriage. Am I expecting too much?

Don’t buy into the popular but misinformed attitude that losing romantic attraction to your partner is an inevitable part of marriage. That’s like saying becoming unhealthy and having a heart attack is an inevitable part of growing older. Are heart attacks common? Yes—but now we know they are preventable IF you take good care of your body. In the same way, just because it’s common for many couples to lose the passion in their relationship over time doesn’t mean it is natural. It all depends on how you take care of your relationship.

Relationships don’t just lose their chemistry overnight. It takes years of neglect, not making the marriage a number-one priority, not talking about your needs, not resolving and healing hidden resentments, and not actively learning how to make love work. All these unhealthy emotional habits are what takes a couple from feeling “in love” to feeling like roommates.

I strongly believe that you do deserve to have a marriage that grows in love, passion, and connection year after year. Is this realistic, even in an eighteen-year relationship? Yes… IF both partners decide to do what it takes to rekindle the passion and learn some of the skills you were never taught about successful loving.

Start by sitting down with your partner, taking his hands, and telling him how much you miss the physical and emotional closeness you used to share. (Believe me, he misses it too!) Without blaming him, tell him you want to work toward transforming your “comfortable” relationship into one that is intimate and exciting. Tell him he deserves more than he’s getting, as you do. When you both recommit to learning how to love, and use some of the skills I teach in my books and programs, you’ll find renewed levels of communication, closeness, and excitement.