PARTNER IS STILL CONTROLLED BY HIS PARENTS

IS IT DAMAGING TO A RELATIONSHIP WHEN ONE
PARTNER IS STILL CONTROLLED BY HIS PARENTS?

Storyline:

My fiancé is Twenty-Seven, three years older than me. He got a job and already stable with his position. But his parents still control him, especially his mother. He talks to her on the phone every single day, and she calls even when we meet each others, with no respect for our schedule. Now we’re engaged, he is pushing all of his ideas about the wedding on her (mom), and we end up fighting about her constantly. I’ve tried alot to fixed this issues and to enhance our relationship so that we both can focus on two of us. I discussed with him several times that, his parents will be my parents after our marriage. Still then he is under complete control of his parents. On many occassions under his parents pressure we call off our meeting even silly matters. It disturb me a lot. Am I judging him unfairly. Help!

Why are you asking me this question? You already know the answer. You can’t marry someone who is emotionally married to one or both of his parents. You can’t marry someone who hasn’t grown up. Well, actually, you can marry someone like that, but you’ll be miserable. You have every classic sign of coming face to face with what we call “Toxic In-Laws.” Toxic in-laws do not respect the boundaries of husband-wife relationship and the boundaries between in-laws. They will interfere in your life, becoming time and energy vampires, and even refuse to acknowledge you or your relationship, because to them, you are an outsider. They haven’t let go of their son and will resent you for taking him away from them.

Do these things sound bad? Well, they’re nothing compared to how toxic in-laws will drive a wedge between you and your partner by creating dissension in your relationship. It sounds like that’s already happening with you and your partner. You end up feeling unsupported and misunderstood by him, furious at his parents for manipulating him, and everyone starts thinking you’re a real bitch!

And if you think it’s bad now, wait until you have children!!

In spite of what you may believe, your boyfriend parents aren’t the problem—he is. If he took a stand with his parents and set boundaries in their relationship, it wouldn’t make any difference how much they tried to interfere. He needs to make you number one in his life. You need to be his first priority; your marriage has to come first before his relationship with his mother and father.

You are about to begin a ‘toxic in-laws war’ right after your marriage. You need to fixed and changed the situation at all cause. Communicate with your partner and wisely advice him to convey his parents as below (if you want to save your relationships before its too late)

1. I have chosen my spouse to be my lifelong mate, and I expect you to treat her with total respect, courtesy, and warmth. We are one, and when you criticize or hurt my partner, it is the same as hurting me.

2. Love and treat her as you love me and the way your treated me.

3. We are one family with my future wife. Family should not be shattered. We need to build a strong family together.

4. You need to respect our time and privacy. Naturally I will be here for you if there is a real emergency.

5. I know this may be difficult for you to understand, and that’s the way it should be. I want you in my life, but even my girlfriend who will be my future wife to be one flesh.

If you discuss this with your partner, and he repeatedly refuses to confront his parents, you can try suggesting counseling him to get a third opinion. If he refuses that, you need to ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. It isn’t going to get any better, and you know it’s already tearing you apart. Do not get married unless this is resolved!!

But you must know that, the parents who raised your boyfriend, who supported him with all their abilities, who nurtured and brought him to this level and make him who he is must be respected, honor them and treat them with courtesy. After marriage you and your husband are one flesh, and your husband parents are your parents as well. Honour your father and mother in the Lord.