Ministering to those who Grieve and Mourn

In her book Necessary Losses,[1] psychologist Judith Viorst reminds us that mourning and grief are not just things that we experience following the death of a loved one; rather, they are natural processes by which we adjust to living with any significant loss in our lives, including such things as a relationships, independence, health, employment and personal ambitions. As Philip Culbertson rightly points out, “We grieve whenever our equilibrium is upset and our customary coping mechanisms are thrown out of kilter.”[2]

Although grief and mourning are similar in meaning, it can be useful to distinguish them. John Patton puts it well when he writes, “The term ‘grieving’ can best be used to refer to all of the possible ways that persons respond to the losses that occur in their lives. Mourning is a somewhat narrower term that refers to what persons do individually and socially to cope with loss and to transform the relationship to what or who has been lost.”[3]

The more acute the experience of grief or mourning, the more intense the emotional reaction is likely to be. In her pioneering work On Death and Dying,[4] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five phases of grief reaction among terminally ill patients: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.[5] Subsequent authors like Granger Westberg, Erich Lindemann, John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes have either added to this list or condensed it into three or four major phases. Although there is a lot of commonality between these lists, clearly there is not one definitive list upon which everybody agrees.

It used to be assumed that the stages of grief were sequential and that the role of the minister or pastoral worker was to help move people through them. However, we now know that the grief process is more varied and contextual than previously thought, and it will be influenced by a range of factors such as personality, circumstances and cultural setting. Moreover, rather than moving sequentially through the various phases, mourners may oscillate between them, sometimes wildly, especially in the early stages. The grieving process can be likened to a roller coaster ride which, hopefully, becomes less turbulent as time passes and as the mourner’s coping mechanisms and support structures build resilience. In these situations, the primary role of the pastoral care worker is to accompany the mourner on this ride of ups and down, twists and turns. Thomas Attig has coined the phrase “relearning the world” to describe the pastoral task here. He does not mean learning information about the world, but rather learning how to be and act in the world differently, in light of the mourner’s loss.[6]

Ministers and pastoral workers should be generally familiar with the major grief phases identified by Kübler-Ross and others, and develop pastoral tasks and responses that are appropriate for each phase.

Think for a moment about Kübler-Ross’ five phases of grief reaction: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Now identify one or more pastoral tasks and/or responses that might be appropriate for each phase. Rather than think in the abstract, it might be helpful to recall particular situations. Can you think of any pastoral tasks and/or responses that would not be appropriate?

Nowadays, a lot of useful information about the grief process can be found online. But information is not enough. As Philip Culbertson rightly points out that, if ministers and pastoral workers “have not addressed their own fears, anxieties and insecurities about death, they will be ill-equipped to judge correctly whether others are dealing with mourning in a healthy manner.”[7] Nowhere is the exhortation to “know thyself” more relevant than in the context of ministering to those who mourn.

If your ministry includes the conduct of funeral services, you will probably already know that few things in your ministry will challenge your theology as much as fulfilling this role. It is here that the tension between pastoral sensitivities and theological convictions is thrown into sharpest profile. You will often find yourself walking on eggshells as you seek to maintain your integrity as a representative of the Gospel whilst managing a grieving family’s expectations concerning the funeral service. These expectations can, at times, be quite unreasonable and theologically questionable.

Funeral services these days are much more personalised than in the past. On the whole, this is a positive development, but it does generate some problems, not least of which is the fostering of a consumer mindset. Many people want to pick and choose which elements of a traditional funeral service they want, and may want to include some things in the service which to you seem either unnecessary or inappropriate or both. Too many services nowadays are effectively taken over by rambling eulogies. Others degenerate into mere sentimentalism.

Thomas Long says that often today two rival theological understandings battle it out for the soul of the funeral. He writes:

To put it starkly, on the one hand there is the gospel. The one who has died is an embodied person, a saint ‘travelling on’ to God, continuing the baptismal journey toward the hope of the resurrection of the body and God’s promise to make all things new. On the other hand, there is a more ‘spiritualised’, perhaps even Gnostic, understanding of death. The body is ‘just a shell’, and the immortal soul of the deceased has now been released to become a spiritual presence among us, available through inspiration and active memory. In this view, the body, no longer of any use, is disposed of, but the ‘real person’ is now a disembodied spirit. It is therefore not the deceased who is travelling, but the mourners, on an intrapsychic journey from sorrow to stability.

A funeral governed by the gospel is built upon the eschatological hope that the deceased is not a static corpse or a gaseous and disembodied spirit, but an embodied child of God moving towards the communion of saints. Thus, in the drama of the funeral, the whole congregation follows the deceased from the church to the cemetery or crematorium, travelling with the deceased all the way to the end and completing the dramatic action. By contrast, in a funeral governed by the more spiritualised understanding of death, the congregation sits still and reflects upon the life of the deceased, seeking comfort in the claim that, though the body is dead, the soul lives on. Many contemporary funerals limp haltingly between these two theologies...[8]

God seems to have a particular concern for those who mourn. “Blessed are those who mourn,” Jesus declared, “for they will be comforted.”[9] And then in the book of Revelation a day is envisaged in which God will be at home among mortals, dwelling with them as their God, wiping every tear from their eyes. Indeed, we are told, “death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.”[10] Christian worship services in general, and funeral services in particular, should give full expression to this hope and promise. Whatever grief and mourning that we experience must be put in a larger context that allows us to put our experience in perspective and to draw strength from the comfort that Jesus declared and which God gives.

As the officiant or Minister, it is important that you are both professional and pastoral. Being professional involves exercising a calm authority and making sure that everything is done properly and on time. In the midst of their grief and confusion, people will take great comfort from knowing that you are in control and know what you’re doing. There is no room for being casual and disorganised when it comes to funeral services. Having said that, being professional does not mean being clinical and detached. People will look to you for consolation and encouragement, for understanding and sensitivity – for pastoring.

As you organise and conduct the funeral service you will have to work alongside other people, including the Funeral Director. It is important that you understand your respective areas of responsibility. The Funeral Director is responsible for all funeral arrangements, including the placement of a funeral notice in the newspaper, booking the cemetery or crematorium, liaising with the family about such things as casket and flowers, etc. You are responsible for the funeral service and the organisational details surrounding the service, including: (a) checking the availability of the church organist or musician (if the funeral is to be held in the church); (b) checking the availability of the church hall (if this is to be used for serving refreshments after the service); (c) liaising with the church florist about flower arrangements for the service (this might involve replacing or freshening up last Sunday’s floral display); (d) making sure that someone is on hand to operate the sound system during the service (including monitoring microphone levels and playing CD or DVD tracks as required); (e) checking the availability of the church’s catering team if such a team exists.

The one exception to this is the printing of the Order of Worship – it is often best to leave this to the Funeral Director because the standard of production is generally better than that which can be accomplished on a church photocopier. But if you go down this track, make sure you proofread the Order of Worship before it goes to print. Take special care checking the words of the hymns/songs and the spelling of names. Even though the Order of Service might be printed by the Funeral Director, its content is your responsibility.

From the moment you visit a family to discuss the funeral service through to the actual conduct of the service, you are building a relationship. It is a very intense relationship, insofar as it is forged in the midst of heightened emotions and you might become privy to knowledge that few people outside the grieving family have. The relationship doesn’t cease when the funeral service ends. A phone call the day after the service, followed by a pastoral visit a week or two later will almost invariably be appreciated and can lay a foundation for a long-term pastoral relationship.

Think about funeral services you have conducted and/or attended. What makes for a good service from a Christian perspective? What elements of the service would you expect to see regardless of context? Which parts would you regard as ‘negotiable’?

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[1] Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses, New Jersey: Prentice Hall, 2003  

[2] Philip Culbertson, Caring for God’s People: Counseling and Christian Wholeness, Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2000, 218  

[3] John Patton, Pastoral Care: An Essential Guide, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 2005, 51.  

[4] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying, London: Tavistock Publications, 1970.

[5] Denial: “This can't be happening, not to me." Anger: "Why me? It's not fair!"; '"Who is to blame?" Bargaining: "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..." Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" Acceptance: "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."  

[6] Cited by Philip Culbertson in Caring for God’s People, 224.  

[7] Philip Culbertson, Caring for God’s People…,  232.  

[8] Long, T., Accompany Them With Singing: The Christian Funeral, Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2009,  96-7.  

[9] Matthew 5:4  

[10] Revelation 21:3-4