Premarital Counselling

The fact that most churches require engaged couples to undergo some form of premarital counselling is indicative of the high value placed upon marriage in the Christian tradition. Most churches leave the form and content of premarital counselling up to individual ministers or appointed premarital counsellors. One of the most common approaches takes the form of having the couple fill out various questionnaires or “inventories” that probe certain aspects of a marriage relationship, and which form the basis for discussion, with the aim of helping couples to improve their relationship skills. One of the most established of these programmes, Prepare/Enrich, for example, promises to help couples:

     ·       Explore strength and growth areas

     ·       Strengthen communication skills

     ·       Identify and manage major stressors

     ·       Resolve conflict

     ·       Develop a more balanced relationship

     ·       Explore family of origin issues

     ·       Discuss financial planning and budgeting

      ·     Establish personal, couple and family goals

        ·       Understand and appreciate personality differences.

Whilst programmes such as these help couples think through many practical aspects of relationships in general and marriage in particular, many ministers and Christian marriage counsellors choose to supplement them with a more biblically and theologically grounded view of marriage that helps inform the couple’s understanding of a Christian wedding ceremony. For example, a word that features prominently in a Christian wedding ceremony is “covenant”, which begs the question: What is a covenant, and why is it so important?

In the Bible, parties to a covenant are bound together in an enduring relationship of steadfast love and faithfulness. The primary covenant relationship is one which God establishes, firstly with all living creatures through Noah (Genesis 9:8-17), then with all humankind through Abraham (Genesis 17:1-22), and then with ancient Israel through Moses (Exodus 19 – 24 & 34:27). Seen in this context, a covenant can be seen as a relationship that is forged via a set of freely given promises and declarations. That relationship is both binding and freeing. So when we talk about a “covenant of marriage”, we are not talking about a contractual relationship defined by a mutually agreeable set of conditions; we are talking about an exchange of vows to love one another unconditionally, or to put it in the form of a traditional wedding vow, “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance.”

Premarital counselling should help couples explore the significance and implications of these vows and the covenant relationship to which they give expression. Defined in terms of covenant relationship, marriage cannot be regarded as a temporary or private living arrangement or a marriage of convenience or a so-called “open marriage” in which partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relations. Steadfast love and faithfulness preclude these sorts of things.

The other thing about defining marriage in terms of a covenant relationship is that it implies that the covenant-making God is in the mix. In other words, it’s not just about the couple. They exchange their vows in the presence of God. This has significant implications. Take God out of the equation, and the wedding ceremony and indeed marriage itself become all about the couple – their big day, their feelings for one another, their aspirations, their vows, and so on. Put God into the equation, and we’re bound to think more deeply about where marriage fits within the purposes of God.

In this regard, it is interesting to note that the Bible seems to have little regard for the romantic ideal that tends to drive the modern wedding ceremony. Not only does the Bible have very little to say about marriage and about wedding ceremonies as such, but what it does say is often described in very functional language. To put it bluntly, marriage in the Old Testament – and to a certain extent in the New Testament as well – was largely an economic matter. Women were property. They had very few rights. For a thoroughly unromantic view of marriage, read the parts of Deuteronomy that regulate ancient marriage, especially 22:13-20. Moreover, few of the passages in the Bible that we cherish for their commentary on love and commitment were written with marriage in mind. 1 Corinthians 13 is the classic example.

Properly understood, a Christian wedding service will put marriage in the context of discipleship. In Luke 9:57-62, when Jesus tells his would-be followers to let the dead bury the dead and to not look back, he is effectively saying that even our most pressing family obligations and social institutions are now subordinated to the call to discipleship. It’s not that they’re suddenly rendered unimportant; it’s just that they no longer exist in and for themselves; the claims which they make upon our lives must now give way to, and be informed by a higher allegiance, a deeper calling.

It is for this reason that the church considers the institution of marriage to serve not only the emotional and physical needs of the couple and the wellbeing of society. It has effectively been commandeered by our Lord to advance the Kingdom of God, to be a sign of the Kingdom.

How might it serve this purpose?

First and foremost, I would suggest that the Christian home is meant to be a place where faith is encouraged, nurtured and strengthened, where husband and wife encourage one another in their respective and mutual calls to serve God with heart, souls and minds.

Understood in this way, love does not draw a circle around the couple, isolating them from the needs of others, turning them in upon themselves. Rather, it turns them towards the world with a generosity of spirit, confident that the love which they share is grounded in, and flows from a God who so loved the world that He give His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

To this end, the Christian home is meant to be a place of hospitality, a place of welcome, echoing the hospitality of our Lord, who dined with sinners and ushered people into the Kingdom without discrimination.

Such is the hospitality of God, experienced afresh each time we gather around the Communion Table. At its best, the Christian home is an extension of this Eucharistic hospitality, a sign of God’s Kingdom.

One of the benefits of placing marriage in the context of discipleship is that it levels the vocational playing field between marriage and singleness, and between having children and being childless. The call to discipleship can be heard and responded to whether one is married or single, with children or without children.

The other major benefit of placing marriage in the context of discipleship is that the romantic ideal associated with the modern wedding ceremony is put in perspective. Yes, romance is important both on the wedding day and in a marriage relationship; but it is not the most important element. The Christian wedding ceremony is a service of worship which bears witness to God’s love and faithfulness, not just to the couple’s personal sentiments, feelings and aspirations.

As our society has become more pluralistic, so more lifestyle options have become evident and in many cases normalised. Pre-marital sex, even among Christian couples, is more prevalent than in previous generations; the majority of couples now live together before getting married; many couples come to their wedding day with children, either from their current relationship or from previous relationships; divorce and single parenting no longer carry the stigma they used to; gay and lesbian relationships have been legalised and can now be formalised through civil union ceremonies. The modern definition of ‘family’ has changed to accommodate these variations.

Our churches are not immune from this pluralism. Many of the variations described above are likely to be represented in your congregation and/or the families of congregational members, even though the details of individual circumstances will not always be widely known. You will have people who are sexually active outside of marriage, de facto couples, divorcees, single parents, children or grandchildren of congregational members who are gay, and so on. These variations call for sensitive and skilled pastoral care.

In your ministry context, what form does premarital counselling take? To what extent does it prepare couples not just for the practicalities of living in a long-term relationship, but also for a specifically Christian view of marriage?