COMMITMENT PHOBIA

HOW CAN I TELL IF I HAVE “COMMITMENT PHOBIA”?

Storyline:

I keep going through the same frustrating cycle in my relationships. When I first meet someone I’m attracted to, I really want to get close, and I appear very loving and open to my partner. But the more the other person wants some kind of commitment, the more I pull away, until one day, I leave. My last lover accused me of being a “commitment phobic.” How can I tell if I’m just going through a normal selection process, or if I have a serious problem?

Sounds suspicious!! If this has happened over and over again, you almost certainly do have “commitment phobia.” That would make you what I call a “Commitment Rebel.” If in your childhood, you loved someone, your father, your mother, your big brother, but that person took something from you—your power, your self-esteem, your innocence, your voice, you may unconsciously have thought of that person as “the enemy,” even though you loved them. So when you grow up and you meet a partner and you love that person, automatically in your mind, you think “people I love are the enemy. They want something from me. I have to hold my ground,” and you will have a hard time committing to that person.

This resistance to commitment might express itself in major ways, such as actually refusing to commit to marriage, or it might express itself in small ways, such as refusing to commit to going to counseling, or not taking out the garbage when you said you would.

Commitment Rebels are motivated by a need to be in control, and a fear of losing control. Committing to someone will feel like you’re giving something up, as if they won and you lost. That’s because in some earlier relationship, it did feel like you lost something by loving that person who hurt you.

Here are some characteristics of Commitment Rebels. If you’re one, you will recognize these. (If you’re in love with one, you’ll race into the other room to show your partner what I wrote!)

1. Commitment Rebels don’t like being told what to do.

They can become easily defensive and argumentative.

2. Commitment Rebels are often irresponsible with time and money.

They may be late a lot, not pay bills on time.

3. Commitment Rebels don’t like making plans.

They resist committing to the future or pinning themselves down.

4. Commitment Rebels don’t like talking about or showing feelings.

It feels like too much of a commitment, and gives the other person too much power.

5. Commitment Rebels are often procrastinators.

They don’t like committing to doing anything in particular.

6. Commitment Rebels can be unmotivated with no strong direction in life.

They are afraid to commit even to their dreams.

Naturally, a Commitment Rebel will panic the moment his partner starts using the “C” word, as you have in all of your relationships.

So what’s the solution? First, I suggest you go on a Relationship Fast. That doesn’t mean having lots of fast relationships, but the opposite: no dating or intimate involvement with anyone for a while. Pull all your energies back on yourself so you can break this pattern.

Next, do some serious work on healing your emotional programming like physical exercise, reading good books, refreshing with nature, etc.

Within every Commitment Rebel is a hurt and angry little child who felt very controlled when he was small. You need to help that child take his power back from whomever you feel took it from him. You can do this with a really good and qualified therapist, a program like Making Love Work, or in whatever manner you choose. Once you finish that unfinished emotional business from your childhood, you will be free for the first time in your life to love as deeply as you want to love.