HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEONE IS REALLY COMMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP?

Storyline:

My partner claims he really loves me and wants to be with me, but when it comes to working on “us,” he continually disappoints me. Whenever I bring up what I’m unhappy with, or ask him for some things I need from him in order to stay together, he apologizes and promises to change. If I press him further, he gets defensive and says “I’m working on it,” The point is, nothing has changed, and I’m afraid it never will, but I know he really does love me, and I don’t want to lose him. How can I tell if he is serious about this relationship?

First of all, you are in complex situation. Be wise to understand your situation and wisely understand how to ask him if he is serious about the relationship, and if he wants the same kind of relationship you do. If he insists that he does, and that he truly wants to change, you need to address two major issues:

1) What commitments you need from him; and

2) HOW he plans to work on himself so that he can fulfill those commitments.

I have a feeling that, in your case, your mate really means it when he says he wants to be with you and work on things. The problem may be that he doesn’t fully understand WHAT he needs to work on and doesn’t have a clue as to HOW to work on these issues. At the risk of sounding sexist, I must say that I have seen this situation countless times with men whose wives or girlfriends complain of the same frustrations you do. Often, these men are too proud or embarrassed to say to their women “Look, I know I need to change, but to be honest with you, I have no idea exactly what you want me to change, and even less of an idea of how I would actually make these mysterious changes.” Instead, they say “I’m working on it,” or “Stop pressuring me,” hoping to buy enough time to figure out what the hell they’re supposed to do.

If you’re a woman reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Come on, , what’s so complicated about wanting your husband to be more intimate, or share more of his feelings? How hard can it be for him to understand these requests?” My answer is: much harder than you could ever imagine!! Most women are much more familiar with their inner world of feelings than are most men; we naturally understand what it means to “open up,” or “let someone in,” or “surrender to the moment.” However, to many men, these concepts are strange, and even frightening.

It is likely more verbally clear and specific women are in defining exactly what behaviors they would like their partners to develop, and the more concrete tools they offer their partners to assist them in making those changes, the more willing men are to actually “work on it.”

Here is an exercise that has helped hundreds of thousands of couples learn how to work on improving their relationship. This exercise gives a wonderful feedback from men who shared how this exercise allowed them to  truly understand what their wives needed and gave them ideas for how they could specifically fulfill those needs.

On one side of a piece of paper, list all the things you need from your partner, the ways you’d like him to change. Then, in the second column next to each item, write down specifically how he could demonstrate his commitment to fulfilling that need.

EXAMPLE:

One Side	Other Side
What I Need	How You Could Demonstrate It
I need him to be more emotionally open with me about his feelings.	Tell me what’s bothering you before I have to ask a bunch of times, even if it’s a little thing you think isn’t important. Tell me you love me sometimes first, before I say it.
	Reach out to take my hand when we are walking somewhere instead of waiting for me to reach out to you first.

You’d be amazed at how powerful this process is. Often the man will respond by saying “Oh, is that what you mean by being open? I can do that.” And you think to yourself, “What took you so long?” Perhaps he was missing the HOW of “working on it.” Naturally, both partners should do the above exercise. Suggest this to your mate. Hopefully, it will provide him with the tools he was looking for to give you what you wanted and, as an added bonus, to even express some of his own needs. Once this works, you’ll find your partner is much less defensive about the idea of changing, and you can go on to exploring other methods of transformation together— tapes, seminars, counseling, etc.