DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE

DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE

What should we as Christians do and say when we encounter a couple who are seeking to end their marriage, whether for heartbreaking or frivolous reasons? How should we counsel them?

Before we can even begin to answer this question, we need to understand God’s intention for marriage. It was that marriage should be monogamous and lifelong. This is clear from Jesus’ response to the Pharisee who asked him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife (Mark 10:2-12). In his response, he reminded them of the original plan and purpose of God’s creation. First, he quoted Genesis 1:27 to the effect that God created people as “male and female” and brought them together. The Jews interpreted this verse as proof that in the beginning, when God had made everything perfect, marriage was monogamous. Although the verse does not explicitly mention marriage, it is followed in the next verse by the command to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Gen 1:28), which implies a sexual relationship. Jewish rabbis linked Genesis 1:27 with God’s saving one male and one female of each species in the ark (Gen 7:9) as further evidence for monogamous marriage.

Jesus then quoted Genesis 2:24 to make the further point that marriage should be lifelong. A man and woman who become one flesh are joined, and thus Jesus says, “what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mark 10:9). The word “separate” is a standard term meaning “to divorce”. The mention of separation implies that such a thing is possible, but Jesus is clear that couples should keep their marriage vows and not break up the marriage in which God has joined them. To separate is to oppose God’s action in joining them.

Thus our first step when we meet a couple who are encountering marriage problems is to provide counselling and work for reconciliation. Acceding to divorce should never be our first option.

In the parallel passage in Matthew 19:3-11, Jesus’ hearers reject his command by asking, “Why then … did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (Matt 19:7, citing Deut 24:1). Jesus responded by saying that Moses’ giving permission for divorce was a concession to the hardness and sinfulness of human hearts. Sometimes we are in a situation where all the options open to us are evil, and in that case our goal should be to limit harm. But that does not mean that God approves of divorce.

Although it may be necessary, it is still sinful.

Some would argue that Jesus’ reference to “immorality” in Matthew 19:9 implies that adultery automatically justifies divorce.

But this is not what Jesus is saying. A marriage can continue despite adultery, but divorce may be allowable if there is a stubborn refusal to repent of the adultery and turn from it.

Another reason that is sometimes given as grounds for divorce is infertility. But Jesus’ words about eunuchs in Matthew 19:12 clearly indicate that we are not obliged to marry and have offspring. A lack of offspring does not constitute grounds for breaking the covenant of marriage.

What then about remarriage after divorce (Matt 19:9)? Is this always adulterous? In answering this question, we need to remember the type of divorce referred to by those who were debating with Jesus.

They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” (Matt 19:3). These reasons could be frivolous, and a divorce for frivolous reasons is clearly not covered by Moses’ exemption. Such a divorce is invalid, and so remarriage after such a divorce is adulterous.

But must someone who has had to endure a divorce remain alone for the rest of their life? Here, again, we have to look at what Jesus said. While he made it clear that God intended marriage to be monogamous and lifelong, he also stated that God was aware of human sinfulness, and in his mercy and grace he permitted divorce as a concession. But his mercy and grace do not end at that point.

Remarriage is not God’s ideal, for he did not want there to be any divorce in the first place. But in allowing divorce, he also allows remarriage. Remarriage is a second chance that God gives out of his mercy and grace. We deserve to be punished for breaking his commands, but he shows mercy; we do not deserve a second chance, but God gives us one. However, just because mercy and grace abound, we should not take divorce and remarriage lightly. Divorce should not be pursued for frivolous reasons but should be seen as the last option after every effort has been made to save the marriage.

Remarriage also should not be entered upon rashly, but with reverence and discretion and in the love which is the gift of God himself. What is the role of the church in all this? The church does not have the right to grant a divorce; that is a matter for the courts. However, when a divorced person asks for a Christian marriage, how should we respond?

First, we should ask to examine the divorce papers to be certain that the marriage has indeed broken down and that divorce has legally taken place. Some people have sought marriage without yet being legally divorced from their spouse. If we are satisfied that the divorce is indeed final and that the grounds for divorce were adequate, we may proceed to marry a divorced person. However, some suggest that such a couple should be required to take part in a service of repentance for the broken promises made in the past. The service could take place some days before the second wedding. David Instone-Brewer suggests that the following prayer would be appropriate for such a service:

Heavenly Father, you have cared for me from my birth, and you have promised to love me unconditionally; I come to you in repentance. I confess that I have made promises to you and to others which I have not kept. I have promised to love and care for others, and I have not fulfilled this as I should. Please forgive me for my sin, and give comfort to those whom I have let down and hurt. I ask you for strength for the future, to be able to keep the promises which I will make. Amen.

Paul Swarup