PARTNER TO EXPRESS FEELINGS

HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER TO EXPRESS FEELINGS TO ME?

Stortyline

I know my husband loves me, but he never expresses it verbally. He comes from a family that isn’t very communicative, and claims “words don’t mean much to him.” How can I get him to express his feelings to me? I’m starving for some attention.

You’re what it call “word-hungry,” starving to hear verbal expressions of your husband’s love that will fill up your heart. Like all of us, your husband formed his love habits at an early age, and obviously didn’t experience being loved with words, nor see examples of his parents using words to express feelings. Remember—he’s not withholding verbal affection on purpose; he simply doesn’t understand why it is so important to you, or how to fulfill your needs. So let’s talk about how you can explain this to him so he gets it!!

One of the best ways to create intimate connections between you and your beloved is with words. Words are bridges that allow you to travel from your private world into your partner’s. They link your silences together, so you can know the person you love from the inside out, and he can know you. They give your mind evidence to trust what your heart already knows. Deep inside, you feel he loves you but when you hear him say those words, the experience becomes that much more real.

Some people argue that words, by definition, cannot possibly contain the fullness of emotion, and therefore limit your experience of intimacy.“ Talking about it trivializes the love,” they insist. I strongly disagree—without words to make the feelings tangible and transferable, the feelings will not be as real to you or to your partner. Words stir up the love energy between you. They are like the wind, making waves upon the ocean of feeling you share.

The water is always there in the sea, but it is the wind that moves it, teasing it from stillness until it rises into sparkling swells. Your feelings are always there in your heart, but it is the words that give them movement from silence into expression.

Many lovers are stingy with their words. They hoard them as if there are a limited number of “I love you’s,” “I need you’s,” and “You make me so happy’s” available, and they don’t want to use them up. So they conserve the amount of verbal love they share, saving it for special occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries, and leave their partner feeling hungry for words the majority of the time. Whenever I’ve confronted verbally stingy men in my life, they always responded with this defensive reasoning for why they weren’t loving me more with words:

“If I say it all the time, it won’t mean anything anymore…” This thinking is as absurd as believing that if you wear a beautiful dress often, it won’t be as beautiful as if you only wear it once in a while, or that if you kiss your little girl or boy good night every night and tell them you love them, it won’t mean as much as if you only do it once every four months!

The result of this kind of emotional stinginess will be that the mate who isn’t hearing love words feels controlled and resentful, and that’s what you’re feeling now. Your partner has been putting you on a “verbal love diet” without realizing it. You need more words of love from your husband—they will feed your heart and nourish your spirit.

Translating feelings into words isn’t always easy. Some of us, like your husband, aren’t very familiar with the language of love, because no one ever used it with us. “I don’t like talking about feelings —that’s just the way I am,” we claim. Some of us feel uncomfortable using words, either because we fear we aren’t very good with them, or because expressing our emotions in words leaves us feeling vulnerable and unprotected. “I’m not sure what to say. I just can’t describe it,” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” we protest. But I believe that our fear or lack of ability is no excuse for not learning how to use words to be a better lover.

Share my thoughts with your husband. (And for all you other women out there, place this book open to this page in front of your lover when needed!) Perhaps when he understands that you’re not asking him to put feelings into words to get him to do things “your way,” but want to appreciate his love for you even more than you already do, he’ll be willing to try using more words. And don’t forget to remind him that women get turned on in our heads first, and that, for most of us, loving words are a powerful aphrodisiac!!