PARTNER WHO REFUSES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS OR WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A PARTNER WHO REFUSES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS OR WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP?

Storyline

Trying to get through to my husband is like banging my head against a steel wall. He refuses to discuss our problems, tells me they are my issues, and says if I want to read books or go to therapy, I should go ahead, but to leave him out of it. This has been going on for years. Our marriage is in major trouble, but he doesn’t want to see it, and I feel like saving it is up to me. Is this something that I can do alone? Is there something that I can do to wake him up?

This is one of the saddest questions. A husband or wife shares this kind of story tearfully and tears apart their marriage in severe trouble, and a partner who absolutely refuses to discuss any problems is a big problem. You may not like my answer, but here goes: You are not presently in a marriage. What do I mean by that? I mean that marriage is not a living arrangement, or how many years you have been together, or a piece of paper that says you are husband and wife. Marriage is ultimately the commitment to loving your partner and doing everything you can to make the relationship work.

Since your husband refuses to face or discuss your problems, and will not agree to any outside help in solving your conflicts, he has broken his commitment to your relationship as much as if he had an affair. He may be scared; he may have had an abusive childhood; he may have a wonderful, loving heart somewhere inside of him. The fact remains that, unless he is willing to be an active participant in your partnership, there is no partnership. And you can’t make a marriage work alone

There are five commitments every marriage needs to survive and grow. These are commitments both partners should make:

1. I am committed to learning everything I can about being a better person and a better mate, and I will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

2. I am committed to being emotionally open to and with my partner by sharing my feelings.

3. I am committed to being emotionally generous with my partner, not emotionally stingy, and will express my love and affection.

4. I am committed to being honest with my partner and myself.

5. I am committed to learning how to love my partner as much as he or she truly deserves to be loved.

Any relationship cannot be truly healthy without these commitments. Take Commitment #1, for instance, the one you and your husband are struggling with right now. If a partner isn’t committed to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work, what’s the point of being in a relationship at all?

Being committed to merely living in the same house with you and calling you a wife does not qualify as being a good husband. A good husband, or wife, fights for the marriage, and will try everything, until it’s obvious that nothing is going to work.

Apparently, you’ve tried to get through to your husband countless times. Try once more, and use this analogy. Ask him to imagine that one of your children, or a beloved pet, had been hit by a car and was lying, bleeding, in the street. Would your husband say “I don’t believe in hospitals,” and leave your loved one there to die? Would he stubbornly refuse to get help? I don’t think so. He’d rush the person he loved to the hospital and beg for all the help he could get.

Well, guess what? Your relationship is lying, bleeding, in the street. If it doesn’t get help, it’s going to die. Ask him one more time. If he truly refuses to participate in an effort to save it, if he stubbornly holds his ground, know that it is time for you to leave before you, too, bleed to death emotionally.