UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS

WHY DO I KEEP CHOOSING UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS?

Storyline

I have a pattern in my relationships that I can’t seem to break. I fall in love with people who will not or cannot make a commitment to me. They are either involved with someone else, still recovering from a bad relationship, afraid of commitment or don’t love me enough to want to get really serious. What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing people who can’t love me?

This is one of the most painful and self-destructive patterns, isn’t it? At least you’re aware that you are making the choices, and aren’t blaming your partners for betraying you.

And remember—nothing is wrong with you that isn’t wrong with anyone else. We each have areas of our life where we are the most challenged and carry emotional baggage from our past.

More specifically, you may be prone to choosing unavailable partners if:

You felt abandoned by a parent as a child: You repeat this pattern as an adult by finding partners who can’t be there for you either.

You have low self-esteem: If you came from a very dysfunctional home which left you with little self-esteem because you were always criticized or ignored or abused, you may feel you don’t deserve to have a mate all to yourself, so you’ll take whatever you can get.

You’re afraid of intimacy: Being in a relationship with a partner who is unavailable is a great way to avoid true intimacy. If you were sexually or physically abused as a child and had your boundaries violated, or made a decision when you were young that you would never let anyone get close enough to hurt you again, you may find it “convenient” to choose partners with whom you can never have a truly committed relationship as an unconscious method of protecting yourself from pain.

The first requirement you should have for a partner is that he is available. For those of us who like to pretend we don’t know what available means, here’s a definition:

Available: Free to be in a relationship with you; not involved with anyone else; not married; not engaged; not going steady; not sleeping with another person; alone; single; all yours.

The following are not definitions of available:

With someone, but promises to leave soon

With someone, but he doesn’t really love her

With someone, but they’re not having sex anymore

With someone, but says he’s just staying for the kids

With someone, but she knows about you and it’s all right

With someone, and isn’t leaving, but wants you to stick around anyway

Just left someone who seems to be unavailable for you. Otherwise the Tsunamis of relationship will  develops gradually.

In other words, STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED, IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, OR TELL YOU THEY AREN’T INTERESTED IN MAKING A COMMITMENT!!!

Until you are emotionally free of the pattern, you might try a Relationship Fast for a while—no dating, no intimate relationships of any kind. This will allow you to become strong in yourself, to spend time healing your old emptiness, and to become clear about the kind of partner you need in your life.