NOT ENDING UP WITH SOMEONE WHO’S BAD FOR YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP

WHAT SIGNS SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN THE BEGINNING OF A RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE SURE I DON’T END UP WITH SOMEONE WHO’S BAD FOR ME?

Storyline:

I recently ended a really unhealthy relationship that took me years to get out of. I want to start dating again, but I’m so scared that I’ll pick another person who will hurt me, and will end up going through the same cycle all over again. How can I tell when I first meet someone if he will be bad for me or not?

I’m so glad you asked! In working with thousands of men and women over the years, I’ve learned that so much of the hurt, heartache, and disappointment we experience in love could be avoided if we just paid more attention at the beginning of the relationship. You need to ask lots of questions, look for the warning signs of potential problems, and stay focused on what you’re looking for in a partner and what you are trying to avoid.

As you already know, there are people out there who have what I call “Fatal Flaws,” characteristics that can cause severe problems in a relationship. None of us is perfect, and it’s obvious that we each have flaws or imperfections that affect our love life. However, some of these characteristics are much more dangerous and destructive than others, and those are the “Fatal Flaws” you need to watch for in a potential partner. Here they are:

1. Addictions

Relationships with people who have an addiction (drugs, alcohol, pills, gambling, etc.) are guaranteed to hurt you. Look for signs that there may be problems in this area, and don’t minimize what you suspect may be an issue in order to have a relationship with this person, no matter how lonely you are.

2. Anger

Living with an angry person is like living with a time bomb: you never know when it’s going to go off. Anger is a terrorist— it holds the people it comes in contact with hostage. Spotting someone who has potential problems with anger is one of the easier Fatal Flaws to detect. No one turns into a rage-a-holic (unable to control their temper) overnight. You’ll see warning signs: he gets angry when little things don’t go his way; he has little patience, and becomes easily annoyed; he has extreme mood swings; he is defensive; he raises his voice often. If you spot these signs, get out before you become the object of his pent-up rage.

3. Victim Consciousness

It’s often difficult to spot a victim because none of us really minds hearing our partner complain to us about his or her past relationships. But if your partner has a habit of blaming others for his circumstances and not taking responsibility for his part in problems, watch out: you will be the next person whose fault everything is. Victims see life as an adversarial situation—“it’s the world against me.” They ask “Why is this happening to ME?” instead of “Why is this happening and how can I change it?” If you find yourself feeling sorry for a potential mate and getting sucked into his complaints about his life, relationships, health, etc., it’s time to leave.

4. Control Freak

A control freak is the opposite of a victim—someone who must make all decisions himself, avoids asking for help, and needs to be in control of his life, and eventually, yours. Don’t mistake this Fatal Flaw for the qualities of self-esteem and confidence. Ask yourself if your potential mate’s tendency to “take charge” of everything, which may make you temporarily feel taken care of, is really how you want to live. Control freaks will try to talk you out of leaving them, so don’t do too much explaining!

5. Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction doesn’t mean problems only with sexual performance, such as impotence, or inability to have an orgasm. It can also mean sexual obsession, or lack of sexual integrity. This Fatal Flaw is much more difficult to spot at first since (hopefully) you’re not having sex on the first few dates, but it can be deadly once you encounter it. You’re going to need to have some frank discussion in order to discover whether or not your partner is addicted to fantasy; pornography; compulsive sexual behaviors; throws his sexual energy all over the place; has an aversion to sex due to molestation, rape, or childhood abuse. I know this sounds uncomfortable, but believe me, it’s better than finding out about this Fatal flaw in the middle of a relationship. Some sexual problems aren’t necessarily fatal, but they will be if your partner won’t deal with them.

6. Your Partner Hasn’t Grown Up

Watch out for the charming, childlike person who makes you feel you want to take care of him or her—they may not have grown up enough to have a healthy relationship. Look for signs of financial irresponsibility, someone who is unmotivated, undependable, and avoids taking life seriously. Unless you want to feel like a parent, find someone else.

7. Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable

I could write an entire book on this Fatal Flaw. All you need to know is: STAY AWAY FROM PARTNERS WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN! There are so many people in the world eager to love. Why choose someone who has a hard time opening up and spend your time trying to pry open that person’s heart? Some people just aren’t ready to have a relationship because they are too emotionally blocked. They will have a difficult time talking about or showing emotions, and will resist opening up and trusting. Find out through frank conversation how comfortable your potential mate is with loving, observe his behavior, and as the relationship progresses, make sure he’s capable of giving you what you want before you decide to commit

8. Your Partner Hasn’t Recovered from Past Relationship(s)

We all carry emotional baggage from our past relationships into each new one. But sometimes that baggage can be so overwhelming that it’s fatal to your love affair. Watch out for someone who still carries tremendous anger and resentment toward his previous mate, someone who feels guilty and responsible for his previous mate, or someone who is still traumatized from being hurt or abused in his past relationships. It may be this person hasn’t healed enough to be ready to love again. Rescuers beware! You will find these kinds of mates very attractive.

9. Emotional Damage from Childhood

All of us have some emotional issues originating in our childhood. But some people have emotional damage that is so severe they will have a difficult time having a healthy relationship. This is especially the case when a potential mate isn’t aware of the emotional damage and isn’t working on himself to repair it. If you meet someone with one of the following issues, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be a Fatal Flaw. It does mean you should be cautious, talk openly about your concerns, and assess how well your partner is dealing with the past or present problems. Here are some of the more dramatic childhood issues that may be warning signs, and should be dealt with:

• Sexual abuse and sexual trauma

• Physical or verbal abuse

• Parental abandonment: divorce, death, adoption, suicide, emotional distance

• Eating disorders

• Parental addiction to alcohol, drugs, etc.

• Religious fanaticism