CAN WE EVER BE 100 PERCENT SURE FOR OUR RIGHT PARTNER?

CAN WE EVER BE 100 PERCENT SURE THAT SOMEONE YOU’RE WITH IS THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU? WHAT QUALITIES SHOULD YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER?

I don’t know about 100 percent—nothing in life is certain, because everything is constantly changing. However, I do believe strongly that if you learn as much as you can about love, intimacy, and compatibility, you can be very sure that you have chosen the right partner. And here’s a very important lesson about compatibility, one that has changed my life: The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with good character, not simply a good personality.

Most of us become initially attracted to a mate because of something about his or her personality, or as your question mentioned, “qualities”—his ability to make you laugh; her softness; his interest in cycling, etc. While these traits might be enjoyable, they aren’t what’s going to determine whether or not this relationship truly makes you happy. For that, you have to look for character. Character determines how a person will treat himself, you, and, one day, your children. It is the foundation of any healthy partnership. If you think of a relationship as a cake, personality is like the icing, but character is the substance.

It’s not enough to ask yourself the question: Does my partner love me? You need to ask a much more important question: How capable is my partner of loving, period? I’ve found there are six areas you can look at in a potential partner that define his or her character, and that will help you answer this question and determine how ready this person is to be in a committed relationship.

1. Commitment to Personal Growth

I’ve listed this characteristic first because I feel it is one of the most important traits to seek in a partner. If you find someone who is committed to their personal growth, you will have already avoided many of the problems couples face: one person wants to work on the relationship and the other doesn’t; one partner tries to talk about the issues and the other refuses; one person sees areas that need improvement and the other is in denial.

Commitment to growth means:

• Your partner is committed to learning everything he can about how to be a better person and a better spouse.

• He is willing to receive help and guidance in the form of books, tapes, lectures, seminars, and counseling if necessary.

• He is conscious of his blind spots and childhood programming, and is aware of what emotional baggage he has brought into your relationship.

• He has personal goals for his own self-improvement and you can see specific, positive changes in him over time.

2. Emotional Openness

An intimate relationship is not based on sharing a home, a bed, or bathroom. It’s based on sharing feelings. That’s why the second quality you should look for in a partner is emotional openness. This means your mate:

a. Has feelings

b. Knows what he is feeling

c. Chooses to share those feelings with you

d. Knows how to express those feelings to you I can’t tell you how many excuses I’ve heard from men and women in unhappy relationships about why their partner cannot express feelings:

IF YOUR PARTNER CANNOT IDENTIFY AND SHARE HIS FEELINGS WITH YOU, HE IS NOT READY TO BE IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.

3. Integrity

Honesty, integrity, and trustworthiness are essential ingredients for a healthy relationship. Knowing that you can count on your partner to be truthful with you at all times will give you a tremendous sense of security Finding a partner who has integrity means seeking:

• Someone who is honest with himself. There are many people who don’t lie to you, but lie to themselves. Honesty begins at home, so to speak. That means you should avoid mates who are masters of self-deception.

• Someone who is honest with others. Does your partner lie to his clients or associates, all in the name of “business”? Does your girlfriend hide the truth about her life from her family? Does your mate often justify doing things at work you feel lack integrity? If you doubt your partner’s integrity, you will lose respect for him, and it will be difficult for you to trust his behavior toward you.

• Someone who is honest with you. That means he will not hide parts of his life or personality from you; he won’t tell you only what you want to hear in order to protect himself; he will share the truth with you without your having to trick him into admitting it, or pry it out of him.

• Someone who doesn’t play games. Games belong on the playground, not in relationships.

4. Maturity and Responsibility

Here are some signs that your partner is mature enough to have a relationship:

• He (or she) can take care of himself. If your partner has grown up sufficiently, he’ll be able to earn enough money to support himself; know how to keep his living space relatively clean; know how to feed himself.

• He is responsible. Responsibility means doing what you say you are going to do. It means remembering to pay the bills, keeping your promises, showing up on time, and not letting people down. It isn’t a concept—it’s an action.

• He is respectful.

5. High Self-Esteem

You’ve probably heard it said before, but it is true: YOUR PARTNER CAN ONLY LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS HE LOVES HIMSELF. One of the biggest mistakes we make in choosing partners is focusing on how much our mate loves us and how he treats us, and not how he treats himself. The healthier your partner’s sense of self-esteem, the stronger your relationship will be. That’s why it’s important to look for these signs of selfesteem:

• Your partner takes pride in himself.

If your mate walks around apologizing for his life, and seems embarrassed by who he is, or is constantly putting himself down, then he has no pride in himself. You need a partner who has some extent of satisfaction with who he is now and who he is becoming.

• Your partner doesn’t abuse himself, but takes good care of himself.

You can tell how someone feels about himself by observing how he treats himself: the food he eats, the environment he lives in, the way he takes care of his body, his car, his possessions. All of these are reflections of selfesteem.

Someone who mistreats himself and doesn’t mind it won’t mind mistreating you either.

• He doesn’t allow others to abuse him.

Victims are poor choices for partners, even though loving them might make you feel very needed. All the terrible things they complain that others have done to them are merely reflections of their own low self-esteem.

• He expresses his self-confidence by taking action in his life. True self-esteem manifests itself in action. Look for partners who do something about their goals instead of just talking about them.

6. Positive Attitude Toward Life

There is an old saying that goes: “There are two kinds of people in the world—positive people and negative people.” If you had to spend the rest of your life with one of these kinds, which would you choose? Negative people always focus on problems, find something to complain about, allow worry to rule them, and are cynical. Someone with a positive attitude turns obstacles into opportunities, believes that things can always get better, and focuses on finding solutions.