HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT FOR A PARTNER TO MAKE A COMMITMENT?

Storyline:

I am so frustrated that I don’t know what to do. I’ve been having relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, and he still claims he isn’t ready to get married to me. I know he loves me, but when I confront him about our future, he tells me he’s not ready and needs more time. How long should I be expected to wait for him to make up his mind? I’m thirty-seven years old, and not getting any younger!!

I understand your frustration. You are at that point in a long-term relationship where you and your partner either need to deepen your commitment to one another, or go your separate ways.

A relationship needs to grow in order to last, and commitment gives a relationship purpose and direction and creates a level of safety that, ultimately, brings both partners true emotional freedom. You know that, and I know that. So what’s going on with your boyfriend? Rather than blaming your mate for “stalling,” let’s try to understand where he is coming from. Your boyfriend is telling the truth when he says he’s not ready to make a commitment. The question you need to ask yourself and him is “Why aren’t you ready?” If he doesn’t know the reasons he’s resisting becoming more involved, he can’t do anything to improve or heal the situation. His saying “I don’t know what it is” or “I’m working on it” shouldn’t be acceptable answers for either of you.

See, for some people “I’m working on it” means “I’ll tell you I’m working on it to get you off my back and buy some time because I have no clue what I’m feeling.” For others it might mean he is seriously examining his emotional programming in order to understand his fear of commitment. You need to ask your partner what he means by “I’m working on it.” Ask him HOW he is working on it… Is he going to therapy, reading books, attending a men’s group, talking to other married men? WHAT SPECIFIC CONCRETE ACTION IS HE TAKING TO WORK ON IT? What is his goal regarding a time by which he’d like to be clear? A few months?

Another year? What is acceptable to you? There’s nothing wrong with a person confronting his fears of intimacy. In fact, it’s healthier and more honest than someone who blindly throws himself into a relationship, and then later puts up the emotional walls. I actually feel that a man who says “I’m not ready” might be behaving with incredible honor and respect for you—he doesn’t want to propose until he feels right in every part of his being. The problem develops when he’s not sure how to get more clear. Maybe he’s waiting to wake up one day and find that all his fear has disappeared, but it doesn’t usually happen that way. Fears of commitment come from somewhere, and unless they are examined directly, they may linger forever. They usually involve fear of choosing the wrong partner, fear of turning out like our parents, fear of being hurt, and fear of the unknown. All of these fears can be resolved by doing some emotional work.

Here’s a possibility you need to consider: Sometimes men are afraid to bring up their fears of commitment because the woman in their life seems so sure, and he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. It might help to share your own fears about getting married with your boyfriend, so he knows he isn’t alone. Perhaps he’s been afraid to hurt your feelings by voicing fears like “What if we lose our attraction to one another?” However, if you share your own concern about that issue, and let him know, for example, that you hope to work together with him to make sure to always keep the passion alive, he may find his fear rapidly dissolving.

The following is a powerful exercise I’ve given to many individuals who have commitment fears. You can suggest that your boyfriend try this—it might help him get in touch with his own feelings about marriage. The exercise has two parts, both fill-in-the-blank. The person taking it should repeat the exercise at least ten times. He can do this out loud with you, or privately with paper and pen:

1. I’ll be ready to get married when ___.

Example:

• I own my own home

• I have ₹ 5, 00,000 in the bank

• I’m 28/30 years old

• I never feel turned off by my partner

• I see an example of a happy marriage

2. I’m afraid if we got married ___.

Example:

• You’d leave me like my mother left my father

• I’d feel trapped forever

• I’d never have fun anymore

• I would lose my freedom to have time by myself

• We’d end up miserable like my parents

Sometimes this exercise reveals issues a person didn’t realize were contributing to his fear of marriage. Identifying the fears is always the first step toward healing them. Share my advice with your boyfriend. Hopefully he will feel understood and be willing to work through his fear with you, so you can both go forward to experiencing more love in your lives.