HOW SOON IN A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD YOU EXPECT A COMMITMENT FROM YOUR PARTNER?

Storyline:

My boyfriend and I have been going together for fourteen months. We’re both in our early twenties. I feel like I am ready for more of a commitment, but every time I bring it up, he changes the subject or tells me I’m pressuring him. Is this a sign that he’s not the one for me? Should I give him an ultimatum to propose or threaten to leave?

NO, NO, NO! Do not give him an ultimatum. Do not threaten to leave. Your boyfriend’s refusal to propose isn’t a sign that he isn’t the right one for you—it’s a sign that he is thinking more clearly than you are! You’ve only known each other for a little more than a year. According to my experience, you are just beginning to get into some of the more serious issues that exist in your relationship. Most of the deeper emotional patterns we have don’t even begin to surface until about nine months to a year into a relationship. And this is complicated by the fact that you are both still in your early twenties. Trust me—you are going to go through tremendous personal changes in the next five years. If you and he can go through all of this together, and come out stronger and more in love, then you’ll know you can create a marriage with a strong foundation. For these reasons, I believe it is way too soon for you to be thinking about marriage.

I’ll bet anything your boyfriend is totally conflicted right now. He loves you, probably hopes to spend his life with you, and wants to make you happy, but he intuitively knows that he’s not ready to propose. He may not feel confident that he is ready to financially contribute enough to take care of you and a family in the way he would like. He may feel uncertain about his career and need to focus on developing that area of his life before he settles down. On top of that, he’s probably scared to death that you will leave him if he doesn’t propose. Can you understand what he must be going through?

Now, about that ultimatum you were thinking of giving him. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t feel too thrilled accepting an engagement ring from a man whom I just pressured to propose to me. What’s the point? Forcing him to buy you a ring is manipulative and childish. You should be more concerned with understanding his feelings, discussing his concerns, and working together to build a stronger, more intimate relationship. Ask him what he thinks of all I’ve said. Hopefully, he’ll look at you with relief and say, “Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been feeling.” Then, you can go forward as a couple committed to love, to truth, and to preparing yourselves for a beautiful life together.