SOMEONE WHO WHO IS STILL EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HIS FORMER LOVER

SHOULD YOU STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO WHO IS STILL EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HIS FORMER LOVER?

Storyline:

My boyfriend is driving me crazy! We’ve been going out for five months, but he still isn’t over (still attached emotionally) with his ex-girlfriend. I know they talk on the phone a lot, and last week he took her out for her birthday “just as a friend” because, in his words, “I didn’t want her to spend the day alone—she’s feeling really vulnerable.” When I confront him on this, he accuses me of being possessive and insensitive. Should I just ignore this and hope it goes away?

Do you really think if you ignore this problem, it’s going to go away? It won’t, and you know it. You are in a relationship with someone who is still emotionally attached to his former lover. This is one of the major Fatal Flaws I warn people to look out for when choosing a new mate. It’s obvious that your boyfriend hasn’t let go of his past relationship. He has all of the classic signs: staying in touch because he is “worried about her”; not setting up proper boundaries with her regarding his new relationship with you; making his concern for her feelings more important than his concern for yours.

You’re in what’s called a “triangle relationship”, because there are actually three people involved together. Even when he isn’t talking with her, you can feel her presence, can’t you? His feelings for her are undoubtedly preventing him from totally surrendering to his relationship with you. It may not be that he actually wants to go back to her—he just might be a rescuer who is having a difficult time letting go of someone without feeling tremendously guilty.

Maybe his dad left his mom, and therefore, he has an awful time leaving anyone or anything without feeling like the “bad guy.”

Sure, your boyfriend is defensive about his behavior when you confront him, because he doesn’t want to confront it himself. Don’t wait for him to wake up and get it. Get out…at least for a while. Let him know that you have come to the conclusion that he hasn’t fully detached emotionally from his former girlfriend, and, therefore, isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone else. Tell him how much you care about him, but that you also care about yourself too much to be involved with him right now. Encourage him to take time to decide if he wants to go back with her or not, and invite him to contact you if he is truly ready to love you. Who knows? Your frank discussion may cause him to take a good look at the situation, and he might make a big breakthrough and call you in a few days ready to go forward 100 percent. Or you may never hear from him again. Whatever happens, you will have honored your own needs and feelings, and will win in the end.